We’ve all been there: Looking back at old photographs of ourselves and wondering, “What the heck was I thinking?” From shell-suit shockers to lycra so tight it left little to the imagination, there’s no running away from the ever-growing fashion faux pas flinging their way over to us – left, right and centre! We either dodge them in a series of leaps, drops and ninja rolls, or we fall for them every damn time!
Sometimes temptation gets the better of us and jumping upon the trend-wagon looks all too enticing!
That’s right! What might seem like the best idea since sliced bread, will only grow moldy in months to come. As we know, fashion trends are seasonal. They change as quickly as the British weather!
Ladies, as we bush up our eyebrows so big we give Cara Dela-what’s her face a run for her…errr…eyebrows – we might not think it – but we’ll probably regret it a few years down the line by next season! Fellas, as you grow your beards so long they become 40 % hair and 60 % leftover food, you’ll only look back with regret and think, “How the heck did I get away with wearing a small creature on my face?”
Before we jump too enthusiastically onto that trend-wagon, we might want to give it some thought. Do we really want to look like complete fools in photos to come? Do we really want to look back and think, “What the heck was I thinking?”
Err, what the heck WAS I thinking?
Trends. Sometimes they are good, sometimes they are bad and other times they are just plain ugly.
Believe me, I’ve had my fair share of shameful trends. My first offence was when my mother insisted on giving me the classic bowl cut (Yes, using a bowl as a cutting aid!) I was debating whether to put pictures up of myself sporting this …errr…classic look, but I don’t think your eyes are ready for that just yet! As it turned out, the bowl was just a small splash in the FAD-dling pool. I had jumped upon the trend-wagon and I wasn’t letting go! Twenty years on and I can’t bear to look back at old pictures of myself, in fear of experiencing frightening flashbacks of neon puffa jackets, jelly sandals, bum bags and bandanas… You heard me correctly, I went through a bandana-wearing stage! *Hangs head in shame*
But I wasn’t the only one rocking the Lycra leotard with a perm so big people mistook me for a bush, most of us have had our fair shares of fashion mishaps. Whether it’s a wardrobe malfunction or a hairdo gone wrong, we’ve all ridden the trend-wagon at one time or the other.
So what’s the harm in hopping on-board once again? …Or are you too afraid?
It’s time to take a trip down trend lane…
20 Fashion Trends That Should NEVER Have Happened
1: Velour tracksuits
The velour tracksuit a la Paris Hilton style! Rewind back 10 years, and you might recall a time when it was socially acceptable to walk around sporting the chav not-so-fantastic velour tracksuit! In fact, it wasn’t just us everyday folk gracing the streets in our soft velour ensembles, the celebrities couldn’t get enough of them either!
Somewhere between everyday clothing and nightwear, the velour tracksuit fizzled out, and now we find people not so gracefully walking the streets in their onesies and slippers! I guess it’s only a matter of time before we will all be walking around in our underwear and bedsocks! Roll on 2020!
Take a look at the picture above. Does this look right to you? Should full grown men (I use the word men loosely here!) wear dungarees? I feel there should be a cut-off point when dungarees go from acceptable to damned right offensive (on the eye that is!) “But they are cute!” some might say. Yes, cute on a child perhaps? But an adult? No, just no!
If we haven’t been blessed with curly tresses at birth, then it’s probably a hint to say…
Curly hair really isn’t your thing!
Hint ignored, those 80’s straight-haired folk hurried over to their local hair salons to get the perm of their curly haired dreams!
With empty pockets, they walk out of the salon resembling none-other-than an alpaca suffering from a serious case of heat intensity! But the tragedy doesn’t stop there, because as it turns out, once you get a perm you have to wait until it GROWS OUT!
With an average hair growth of half an inch a month and no hair-straighteners in sight, there’s little wonder why the perm evolution of the 80’s came to be. All I can say is … God bless you straightening iron!
4: Shell suits
There’s nothing sleek about the shell suit! Believe it or not, the shell suit once ruled the world! No, I’m not kidding! People actually wore the shell suit out in public with, brace yourselves…PRIDE! With colours so flamboyant they could induce you into a state of hypnosis, it’s easy to see how a nation became mind washed into wearing such a fashion crime! Fortunately, the shell suit died alongside the 90’s love for Lycra. But if you’re lucky, you might just catch sight of a person wearing one…and if you’re really lucky, they’ll be sporting the headband to match!
Mullets and Pat Sharpe come hand-in-hand (For those of you who don’t know who this mullet-wearing man is, he was a children’s TV presenter in England during the 80’s and 90’s – ‘infamous’ for his choice in hairstyle!)
When Pat decided to grow a mullet all those years ago, I expect he didn’t imagine his hair to be the talking point three decades on! I’m afraid to break it to you Pat, but people are going to be talking about your mullet for the rest of eternity! In 200 years from now, I expect you’ll be gracing the pages of history books – or whatever futuristic book-reading device will be invented by this point – around the globe! Sadly (or perhaps not so sadly) I don’t see the mullet making a comeback…
What’s that? They already have…
Maybe there’s hope for you yet, Pat!
“Wow! Those Crocs look so fashionable on you!”, said no one EVER!”
Quite possibly the ugliest footwear to ever walk the earth! As well as their uncanny resemblance to psycho killer, Jason Voorhees (from the Friday the 13th films) the Crocs seem to have taken over our planet! Everywhere we turn there’s a psycho killer pair of Crocs staring right at us, from the feet of some fashion victim who justifies their questionable footwear choice by saying, “but they are so comfortable!”
Yes, you’re right! They are pretty comfy… *coughs* Not that I have ever worn a pair in my life! But you have to admit, these plastic, hole-infested…should we even call them shoes?…are not only offensive on the eye, but they are also lacking in the practicality department! If one lives in a country that just so happens to rain 90% of the year (Yes! I’m talking about England.) then that’s 90% of the year we will be walking around with feet as wet as otters pockets because let’s face it… once you go Croc, you just don’t stop! …apparently, I wouldn’t know! *guilty face*
7: Shoulder pads
Being only a wee nipper of the 1980’s, I never experienced the evolutionary shoulder pad! This makes me sad, because they looked truly awesome!
Who am I kidding? They looked awful! I had a safe escape from the invasion of the space shoulders!
But as garish as they were, at least they were practical. A trip down the stairs? Worry not! The shoulder pads will cushion the fall! Fancy an after work game of American football? No need to go home and get changed, your shoulder pads will do just fine! Feeling a little bloated around the middle? Problem solved! The bulky shoulder pads will take inches off your waist!
And, of course, there are a hundred other practicalities!
*Coughs* …I just can’t think of one right now!
8: Jelly sandals
Hands up if you owned a pair of these bad boys? *raises hand excitedly* I pretty much had a pair in every colour going and would wear them spring through to winter! Yes, sporting the socks and sandal look! Jealous?
…I thought so!
9: Lycra leotard
Unless you have the physique of Sandy from Grease, or Mr Motivator himself (see picture below) then this figure-hugging elastic can be somewhat unforgiving on the eye. Lycra is basically an invitation to reveal a multitude of all our bodily sins – from love handles to wedgies so tight they make Mr ‘LOVES HIS LYCRA’ Motivator blush, it’s fair to say Lycra is NOT our friend – Never was, never will be!
10: The Ross Gellar tan
Many moons ago, I experienced a ‘Ross Gellar’ tanning moment. Let’s just say, I got a little confused with the instructions being fired at me from behind the tanning station walls.
A little mix-up between my left and right, and I walked out 50 shades of ORANGE… On the front that is! My bare back, well that remained paler than a marshmallow in a snowstorm. Horrified, I jumped back in the tanning booth to even myself out, but, unfortunately, exited looking a darker shade of coffee bean.
Needless to say, I spent the next three weeks taking hourly baths and scrubbing my skin so hard it bled.
There was no disguising my fake tan spraying disaster…
My boss: I didn’t realise you had been on holiday!
My ‘coffee bean’ self: I haven’t, I just got my lefts and rights muddled up in the tanning booth! *Hangs head in shame*
11: Grunge (not so chic)
Nothing says ‘I haven’t washed for a week’ like the ‘grunge’ does. And yet, in the midst of my teens I was surprisingly drawn to the ‘unwashed’ look. You heard me correctly, the grubbier the better! Throw in the smell of a funky cigarette and I was love struck!
…I blame my hormones, they did strange things to me!
12: Hareem pants
I feel bad for saying this because my friend LIVES in these trousers. Okay, perhaps not the golden variety, but let’s just say, when she went backpacking across Asia, she brought half the contents of an Asian flea market back with her!
There’s nothing wrong with bringing a slice of Asia back with us, but wearing them religiously until they walk their way off our bodies and into a nearby bin – I think it’s fair to say, they’ve seen their day!
13: Denim on denim
Denim on denim, quite possibly the fashion crime of the century! I mean, if Justin and Britney couldn’t pull it off, then it’s fair to say no one else ever will!
14: Bum bags (Aka Fanny packs!)
Sex appeal: 0
…Need I say anymore?
15: Puffa jackets
What do you get when you cross the Michelin man with a puffa fish? Ah yes! The puffa jacket. There’s nothing sleek about these cushioned coats, but shockingly I owned one in… DUN DUN DUN…SILVER! (just like the one the lovely Bianca is wearing in the example above!) Thankfully, I caught sight of my ‘Cosmo fish’ reflection and soon realised how truly ridiculous I looked. Two cans of petrol and a blazing flame later, and my puffa coat was no more! Twas a sad day, a very sad day indeed!
16: Porn star mustache
When I Googled the porn star mustache, let’s just say, I got more than I bargained for! *shudder*
Moving bristly on…
Not many men can pull off the porn star tache, but some ‘think’ they can! Years later, when the majority of their Facebook photos feature that shifty looking 80’s porn-star guy, it starts to dawn on them that perhaps this wasn’t the wisest of facial hair choice.
17: Extreme brows
Whether you are sporting brows so bushy they put Burt’s mono to shame, or thinly pencilled-on brows of the 1990’s, these eyebrow extremes are equally as awful and equally as eye-offending!
That one time I did Scouse brows!
I tried out a new look once. I coloured in my eyebrows to create what is called the ‘Scouse brow’
It looked a little something like this…
Okay, maybe I was a little overzealous with my ‘almost meeting the middle’ brows.
As I walked downstairs sporting my new and not-so-improved eyebrows, my husband’s eyeballs almost fell out of his head.
Husband: What the f*** have you done to your face?
Me: *Shocked expression* Big brows are in at the moment!
Needless to say, the Scouse brows never surfaced again and I’ve welcomed back my regular barely-there brows with open arms!
And I think we’ll swiftly skip that one time I shaved my eyebrows off and drew them back on…
I was at school and I was trying to fit it. Backfired majorly!
The truth is, pencilled-on brows were never a good look! It’s time to put the pencils back in their case and accept the fact we are NOT human sketchpads, nor are we a member of Sesame Street!
18: Glassless glasses
Okay! So I may have taken the lenses out of sunglasses and pretended they were reading glasses in my yesteryear, but it’s not 1996 anymore and nor is it acceptable to walk around in ‘glassless’ glasses!
Whyyyyyyyyyy? What is the point in this ridiculous creation? Who woke up one day and thought, “I’m going to invent glasses without glass!”? – Someone who had drunk a Scotch too many? Someone who was asking for a poked eye?
The glasslessness is an invitation to poke eyes, right?
The only other sensical explanation would be for the sake of fashion…
Yep! It must be an invitation for an eye-poking!
19: Skinny jeans extreme
Skinny jeans; not only do they take hours of struggle to put on, but they also leave little to the imagination! Perhaps we can let the old ‘camel toe’ faux pas slip, but the camel’s ENTIRE FOOT is pushing it too far! There are some parts of the anatomy that innocent passers-by just don’t want to see first thing in the morning!
*WARNING: Sensitive eyes look away now!
I rest my case.
20: The wolf fleece
One day, when I’m old and no longer care for fashion, I hope to be the proud owner of the wolf fleece! Comfort at its very finest and I can finally join The Wolf Fleece Appreciation Club on Facebook; A sure highlight of my life!
Let’s wrap this up in an over-sized bow and put some shoulder pads on it!
Let’s be honest, we’ve all had a run in with the fashion police. Whether we once graced the pavements in neon patterned Lycra, or we’re sporting a pair of Crocs with pride! (Yes, the ones we are wearing on our feet right now!) There’s no running away from the fact we have fallen victim to some pretty questionable fashion choices…
But hey! Fashion is a statement, not a style. It’s an art of personal expression. Surely the world would be a boring place if we weren’t a little experimental with our clothes? So rather than look back in shame, let’s reflect on our fashion choices with pride! Step away from the petrol cans, put those matchsticks down and let’s celebrate…
Let’s douse these eye-offending fashion blunders in petrol and watch them burn, but whilst we roast marshmallows on the fire, let’s talk about how many fashion crimes we’ve ticked on this list.
(I scored an impressive 12 with my love of all things 90’s!)