A few days ago, yet another year escaped my kung-fu grip. I had been clutching onto twenty-seven with all my might, but no matter how hard I grasped it tight, it wriggled its way out of my relentless arms like quicksand in an hourglass. As I faced the mirror once again, I could see my every imperfection. The rose-tinted glasses had been replaced by a magnifying glass. I could see every pore on my skin, large and open, like mini craters on the moon’s surface. I could see my bulging eye bags, screaming ‘We need sleep!”. I could see, what used to be a frown line, verging on the brink of wrinklehood. And on even closer inspection, I could see a grey hair hiding among of field of brunette tresses.

 

 I sighed, and with a heaviness in my heart, wondered “When did I get so old?”

 

I didn’t think too much about it until I hit my late twenties. At this point, reality hit me hard around the face and the dreamy belief that I would be forever young flew straight back to the storybook it came from.

 

bat man slaps robin

 

I might not be over that hill just yet, but I am halfway up, panting, out of breath and moaning about various aches and pains. It’s inevitable, we are all going to grow old. We can try to claw back our yesteryear all we like, but no matter how much we rub that miracle cream into our facial creases, the clock can’t turn back its hands of time. It’s time to put the anti-wrinkle cream back on the dust-infested vanity shelf. It’s time to confess that we will probably never get asked for ID ever AGAIN!

 

…It’s time to accept the beauty of growing old.

 

massive jumper cartoon

What the heck happened?

 

We know we are getting old when every other sentence begins with “In my day”. A sea of eye rolls stops us in our tracks as we suddenly realise we are turning into, dare we say it, our parents! That’s right, the same parents we walked 3 streets behind as they embarrassed the life out of us in their high-waisted trouser and Christmas jumper combo. *Coughs* Yes, the same high-waisted trouser and Christmas jumper combo we now find ourselves wearing, and not just during the festive season! (My Christmas pudding jumper is comfortable, alright!) Ironically, our children now walk 3 blocks behind us, in fear of their school friends catching them in the company of someone so…uncool.

What the heck happened? When did we start to choose comfort over fashion? When did 6.00am become our waking hour, not the time we stumble drunkenly into bed? When did our memories fail us so badly, we now refer to everyone as “Thingymajiggy”?

As we settle down for the night by a roaring log fire, Horlicks in our hand and sheepskin slippers on our feet, it’s time to admit that we aren’t the spring chickens we once were. We can no longer pull an all-nighter and get up feeling daisy fresh. We can no longer pull those ambitious dance moves. And the closest thing to ‘hip’ we get close to, is a hip flask filled with tea! Because, you know, us older folk are always gasping for a cup of tea!

 

 

You know you’re getting old when… 

 

 

As we awake from our slothful slumber, we feel like it’s the morning after even though there was NO night before! We bend down to put on our sheepskin slippers and let out an enormous groan, followed by the classic “Ooooh, me back!”

 

 

getting old funny

 

We hobble feebly over to the wardrobe where we once suffered in the name of fashion.

 

 

Once upon a time, we were En Vogue! We would jump upon the trend wagon quicker than you could say “Comfort comes first!”. We would squeeze ourselves into the most ridiculous clothes and shoes, just so we could be bang on trend and the envy of all our friends. 10 crippled toes and a bunion (the size of an onion) to show for it, and we are still paying the price for fashion! These days, we dress weather-appropriate in outfits that will have our parents gleaming with pride. Yes, somewhere between 26 and 27 I ditched fashion for, dare I say it, COMFORT…and more shockingly, started trading fashion tips with my mum.

 

 

You know you’re getting old when…

 

Comfort rules fashion. Some might say we died and went to fleece heaven as a woollen rainbow pours out of our closets and wraps it’s cosy cotton around us. The truth is, we don’t care how unflattering we look, this fleece is damn comfy…as are the sweatpants yanked up to our nipples!

 

high waist trousers funny

 

Of course, this can become slightly awkward when we walk into a coffee shop and think “Oh crap! I should have worn a different jumper”. For there, sitting in front of us, is a 70-year-old wearing the same cheery cat jumper. Embarrassed, we scuttle off without a trace, contemplating whether it’s time we hit the high-street in search of some trendier clothes.

 

 

keys in fridge

 

You know you’re getting old when…

 

You lose just about EVERYTHING (because you put it in that special place but can’t actually remember where that special place is!)

Once we are dressed to…erm… not impress, we try to locate our keys. We have put them in a special place – we are sure of it – but we can’t for the life of us think where that might be. Hour-an-half later, we discover them in the fridge next to the blancmange. Keys in hand, we mutter, “Now, where’s my bag?” and so we embark upon another game of hide and seek. Night time arrives and we are ready to leave the house!

 

You know you’re getting old when…

 

you become a slow driver. The type of slow driver you used to curse and shake your fist at. The type of slow driver who is going nowhere in a hurry as they hold up a mile worth of traffic.

 

 

traffic jam cartoon

 

You know you’re getting old when…

 

you turn on the radio to find you have no idea what this music is, or why it sounds like sirens ringing in your ears. Dishearten and feeling just a little bit old, we swiftly switch Radio one over to Radio two.

Once upon a time…we knew all of the top ten hits as well as their lyrics and dance routines. ‘Nowadays’ we haven’t got a clue who is rocking Top of the Pops. Oh, that’s right, Top of the Pops is obsolete just like the rest of our tape collection. Depressingly, all the bands we listened to in our youth are doing reunions and are looking rather… past it!

Before long, we not only find ourselves liking accordion music, but also singing along to the supermarket playlist as we gather our weekly groceries.

 

singing in supermarket

 

You know you’re getting old when…

 

You start complaining for the sake of complaining! If we aren’t moaning about our various aches and pains, then we will sure to be droning on about the inflating cost of petrol, electricity and anything else that springs into mind.

Once carefree and oblivious to the world around us, we now find ourselves getting riled by the smallest of things. We tut to ourselves when the kids at the back of the bus are being loud and rowdy. We give dirty looks to the young couple locking lips in the car park, and mutter “Get a bloody room!” And how the tables have turned, as we become the ones calling the police because those b***** kids next door won’t turn that stereo down!

 

bad neighbours cartoon

 

You know you’re getting old when …

 

You have no idea what the young people are talking about!

 

A thigh gap what? Bae who? Twerk where?

 

Once upon a time, we were down with the kids! Now we don’t know a Twerk from a Cray Cray. We thought Bae was a ghetto term for babe until we actually found out it’s Danish for POO.

We become so annoyed by the misspelling and poor grammar of graffiti artists, we carry a marker pen at all times! And when we are off grammar police duty, we are thinking “When did it all go so wrong?”, “What is happening to the world?” and “The youth of today!”

 

grammer nazi

You know you’re getting old when…

 

You are so shocked by the explicitness of the music videos of today, you need to take a cold shower!

We almost choke on our tea as we watch Nicki Minja’s BIG FAT ASS (Her words, not mine!) twerking against a banana plant!

 

nikki minaj butt

You know you are getting old when…

 

Technology is no longer our friend. But was it ever our friend? I have lost count of the times my laptop has gone flying out of my window…just kidding!

Generally, the older we get the more puzzled we become by all these buttons!

 

A daily occurrence:

Me: How do I turn this thing on?

My husband: The on button!

Me: Where is the on button?

My husband: It’s the button that says ‘On’ on it!

Me: Ooooh! *Crawls back under rock*

 

is it me, or am I getting old

 

You know you’re getting old when…

 

Your party pants are collecting dust in the attic.

Many moons ago, partying and drinking were on top of our list of favourite pastimes. These days we have adopted a more relaxed approach to life, in the form of napping, sleeping, snoozing and dozing. In fact, napping is our new happy hour. The kids are at school and nursery, what do I do? I’m going to jump back into bed, that’s what!

The party pants are now collecting dust in the attic, but it’s okay, we much prefer a night in front of the box. In fact, the definition of a good night is sat by the log fire with a mug of cocoa and whining about the rubbish on the TV.

What happened? We used to spend all our hard earned cash on cheap wine and stylish clothes, now it goes on home furnishings and herbs for the garden. And yes! We are now the proud owner of a lawnmower. Green fingers aside, we also love a crossword, and our idea of a great night out would be hitting the B.I.N.G.O!

 

twerking cartoon

 

Is it a crime to videotape our favourite daytime game shows? (Yes! I said VIDEOTAPE!) Is it so bad that we get pleasure from doing…well…diddlysquat? When it takes longer to rest than it did to get tired, I think it’s time say…“Screw it! I’m getting old and I need more sleep!”

 

You know you’re getting old when…

 

10.30pm counts as a late night and 11pm is something you’ll regret for days weeks!

Once in a full moon, we will climb into the attic, dust off those party pants and hit the town. As we walk into a bar to find we are surrounded by people that look at least a decade younger us, we quickly guzzle our drinks down and make a brief exit. If we aren’t able to slip off so easily, we drown our sorrows at the bar and spend the rest of night shouting “I can’t hear you, the music is TOO LOUD!”

Once upon a time, we were the life and soul of the party. ‘Nowadays’ a £3.00 bottle of wine is no longer “Good s***!”, vitamins are our ONLY drug of choice and we learn that fist pumping is no longer seen as socially acceptable. As the night ends in a pool of our vomit, “I just can’t drink that much anymore” becomes “I’m never drinking again!”

 

hangover cartoon

 

…And cue the 8-day hangover!

You know you’re getting old when…

 

We choose sleep over sex, EVERY TIME!

Once upon a time, we were more aphrodisiac than “Maybe tomorrow night!” 

The big puppy dog eyes are glaring at us hopelessly, the soft whimpers grow into harrowing howls and those paws are scratching insistently at our bosoms. How could we say no?

A part of us thinks “Oh no! Not again…I’ve just got into my comfy pyjamas and I really can’t be bothered!” while our ‘inner sexy minx’ is saying “Come on! You know you like it once you get into the zone!” Our rational head comes along, shoos away “I’m too tired for sex” and exclaims, “Well, it has been awhile and those testicles are going to explode if you don’t do something about it!”

It’s true. There’s only so long we can deny a man of sex.  Reluctantly, we ditch our unflattering pyjamas for the only pair of sexy lingerie we own. Yes! Granny pants have taken over our underwear drawer, and how do we justify this? “Comfort comes first!”

 

granny pants cartoon

 

3 minutes later (Okay, perhaps 7!) …we are back in our pyjamas, watching TV, while our puppy dogs are sleeping.

 

“Peace at bloody last!” we smile to ourselves, as we take that sweet remote into our hand!

 

They say females reach their sexual prime in their early to mid-30s…

boyfriend wants sex

 

You know you’re getting old when…

 

All you want for Christmas is a steam mop!

Once upon a time, we would have been horrified to find a pair of bed socks among our present stash, these days, we would be jumping for joy. In fact, we wouldn’t mind a new bathrobe either, or another novelty jumper to add to our collection of many.

But let’s not Zimmer frame before we can hobble., we have the rest of our lives to tend to our gardens and dream about prunes. Let’s live while we are young. We need to let our hair down, be unafraid of a hangover or two and show those youngsters how to really dance!

funny dancing cartoon

We need to ditch the not-so-miracle cream, do away with that magnifying glass of gloom and saviour our youthfulness. Like sand in an hourglass, life trickles by too quickly. Before we know it we will be talking hip replacements and retirement. But if we are out there living our lives to the very fullest, we will no longer hear the time ticking by.

Growing old doesn’t have to be so daunting. Rather than desperately clawing back our yesteryear, we should learn to embrace maturity….

granny cartoon

 

We shouldn’t waste time regretting growing old, it is a privilege too many people are denied. And maybe we will have more wrinkles than a creased shirt, but we will also enjoy the not so superficial things in life – like watching our children live out their dreams,  and if we are really lucky, watching their children live out their dreams, also.

In 50 years’ time, we won’t care if our ears are getting bigger. We won’t care if they get hairier, too. We won’t even care if we lose our teeth in our steak. We will just be happy to be alive.

 

 

“Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional.” – Anon.

 

 

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