How many times have we said “That’s it, I’ve had enough of you, Facebook. I can’t tolerate you anymore. You’ve got to go!” Only, as we hover over the deactivate button, we can’t quite bring ourselves to press it?
Yep, this was me six months ago.
Well, guess what?
I did it. I finally did it! I broke free from those Facebook chains. Without so much as a hovering finger, or a second thought, I pressed the deactivation button. WHOOSH! My Facebook life was zapped into oblivion – never to be seen again! Well, actually, that’s a lie. I can re-join in one click of a reluctant finger. But as I shake off the shackles and prepare my freedom dance, I actually feel liberated! That’s right! No more senseless scrolling, no more in-my-face humble brags, and no more PESKY game requests! I’m Facebook free and loving it.
Five minutes after deactivating my account, and halfway through my happy dance, I received a text message from a worried friend.
This is my best-friend. She was worried my neighbours had chopped me into pieces and shoved my remains into a wheelie bin. A bit extreme? Perhaps not…
Emails began to fill my inbox in an avalanche of, “Is everything okay”, “What’s happened?”, and “Are you alive?”. But I had to question; has Facebook become so integral to our lives that people seem to think we simply can’t live without it?
Facebook, it’s the marmite of the social media world. Love it or hate it, it’s always going to be a part of our lives. Whether we can’t get enough of it, or we are one click away from deactivation, there is no denying Facebook has become one of the most successful websites of all time. In fact, Facebook is ranked the 2nd most visited website in the entire world. Yes! I said the ENTIRE world! Google, of course, is the 1st (If you’re wondering!).
But why is Facebook so infectious? And why does it dominate the lives of so many?
Once upon a time – when a wall was made of bricks, not statuses, and ‘tag’ was just a childhood game – we lived happy, fulfilling, Facebook-free lives. If we wanted to speak to a friend, we would give them a call and arrange to meet face-to-face. If we wanted to moan until our hearts content, we’d pay a visit to our therapist. If we wanted to air our laundry, we would simply take it out of the washing machine and hang it on the line.
But this all changed in 2004 when an intellectual genius named Mark Zuckerberg, along with the help of his equally genius college room-mates, created this epidemic we call Facebook. Within a few years, EVERYONE knew what Facebook was because practically everyone was on it! In fact, by September 2012, Facebook had over a staggering one billion active users. But don’t let those jaws hit the floor just yet… As Facebook’s popularity expanded, so did Mark Zuckerberg’s bulging pockets. Zuckerberg was titled, not only one the wealthiest but also most influential people in the world.
Due to Zuckerberg’s success, Facebook has become so integral to people’s lives we can barely function without it. There isn’t a day that goes by when we aren’t scrolling, following, liking or poking.
But as much as Facebook has taken over the world, it has also produced an offspring of annoyances. From ever-changing relationship statuses to pesky game requests, it has become something of a Love/hate relationship. As our finger hovers, yet again, over the deactivate button, let’s ask ourselves …Won’t we miss it? Just a little?
If you haven’t already, you might want to read 10 Things I Hate About Facebook (Part one)
Facebook is good for two things; keeping in touch with people, and stalking them!
I mean, what’s the difference between….
Facebook stalking, otherwise known as cyber-stalking, is a surreptitious method of investigation using Facebook. It allows the stalker to stealthily gather a wealth of information about the person they are interested in, without them being aware they are being stalked.
It’s confession time. How many times have you found yourself sneakily riffling through the Facebook pictures of an acquaintance, or worse still, complete stranger? It’s time to put those hands in the air and admit, at some point in our lives, we have found ourselves doing a spot of cyber-stalking. Whether you’re staring daggers at your ex-partners new beau, or gathering data about the new hottie in the office, sometimes curiosity gets the better of us, and we just help but have a good old snoop!
After all, if they didn’t want others to know about their lives, they wouldn’t post it all over the internet for the whole wide world to see, would they?
So, what’s the harm?
Facebook stalking: harmless fun or a recipe for disaster?
A spot of Facebook creeping never did anyone any harm. I mean, how are they to know?
Picture the scene, it’s a Friday evening, and we find ourselves all on our lonesome. Are we going to sit at home crying? Heck no! We are going to enjoy a sophisticated glass of wine, open up our laptops and unleash our prying eyes! Or in other words – Facebook stalk. As our first glass of wine turns into our second, and our second glass of wine soon becomes our third, our judgement becomes a little clouded…
The Search Bar Fail
The search bar fail, it’s an easy mistake to make…after a glass of wine, or three! We excitedly type in our stalkee’s name, while anticipating all the juicy knowledge we are about to discover, and….
Our hearts sink to the pit of our stomachs as we realise we’ve made an almighty mistake. We’ve only typed our stalkee’s name as our status, rather than in the search bar! And so the inquisitive comments – we have no rational explanation for – come rolling in.
There is no living this one down. We either delete and deny, or hit the deactivate button.
The Accidental Friending
Prying on someone’s Facebook page should be done with great caution. One accidental click of the ‘friend’ button and our secret is out. As our cheeks glow a brighter shade of lobster, we tap the ‘unfriend’ button frantically, desperately trying to claw back our dignity. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but that friend request has been sent, and there is noooo going back! Do we dig ourselves a hole to lie in? Or do we wait for the ground to swallow us up?
Or we could just drink away our sorrows, yes!
The Accidental Liking
Most of us have snooped through some poor unsuspecting person’s life in photos. SWIPE, trashy, SWIPE, hideous, SWIPE, loves themselves, SWIPE, LIKE… Oops! Obviously, we had no intention of hitting the LIKE button. I mean, we actually hate this picture. This is, after all, our arch enemy! And not only that, they now know we have been snooping through, not only their recent photos but their college party days…9 FREAKEN years ago!
There’s only one way to get out of this:
Status update: Hey guys! My greatest apologies. My Facebook got hacked, and it looks like someone went on a liking spree! In the words of Shaggy…
The ‘How Do You Know So Much About My Life, We’ve Just Met?’
We’ve just been introduced to the person we have a massive crush on, and yet, we already know EVERYTHING about them. How do we know everything about them? Because we’ve been snooping on their Facebook page for the past couple of months. We have gathered an encyclopaedic knowledge of who their friends are, which schools they attended, and their entire dating history. Conversation becomes a little awkward as we try to juggle; Just met – don’t know a thing about you, with, I know EVERY little detail about you. Suddenly, we’re in a panic because we just let slip the fact we know when their birthday is, even though they hadn’t told us. A large illuminated arrow with the words STALKER scribed across it falls from the sky and points right at us. Beetroot red, we mutter despairingly…
There’s nothing more annoying than finding the person you have always dreamt of stalking (Well, Facebook stalking!), clicking on their Facebook profile, and …. Nothing! Their Facebook page is set to...DUN DUN DUN….
It’s time to back away from the wine, remove the creepy binoculars from our eyes, and step away from our computer screens! Let’s face it, this Facebook stalking is one step away from peeping Tom, or worse still, window-twitching Tina. Before we make an utter fool out of ourselves – with a slip of an overexcited finger or an accidental friend request – let’s pack away those spyglasses once and for all, and give these people some privacy!
It’s okay to let off some steam from time to time. If the kettle is whistling, let that steam go! For those of you who know me, you’ll be aware that I am impartial to a rant or two. Heck, I even have a page dedicated to rants on my blog. But where should one draw the line? Some facebooker’s take ranting to a whole new level of ‘shut the heck up!’ After all, a Facebook status is not a diary, and some details are better left spared.
No one cares if you burnt your toast, and I can assure you with all certainty, that no one cares if you went to the toilet and it took you a total of 7 TIMES to flush. It’s time to unplug those whistling kettles, pour yourself a cup of tea and chill the heck out!
Ranting, it’s highly infectious. Suddenly we’ve caught the ranting bug and we’re halfway through ranting about, you guessed it, ranting!
Which brings us to our first culprit…
The Rant About Ranters
As if the plain old rant isn’t enough, the rant about ranters is born. Pink in the face and screaming, it makes us put our hands upon our ears, and wince so hard it hurts.
When a friend writes a Facebook rant it usually starts like this:
I’m sorry but . . .
Firstly, you aren’t sorry. You aren’t sorry at all that you are about to verbally vomit all over my newsfeed.
*Coughs* You’ve annoyed me now, so you may as well continue…
…I just need to vent. I find some friend’s status updates BEYOND annoying. And yes, I have blocked some of them so I don’t have to read them.
I’m sure they’re sitting at home, sobbing into their bowl of “WHO GIVES A SH**!
What is it with people who change their status to song lyric’s TWICE a freaken day? Annoying.
I agree, this is a fair point. But right now, I’m finding you MORE annoying!
And I’m sorry…but I don’t care if you take your child to the park down the road, or the one just around the corner, or just let him play in the street. Seriously? Oh…and I also don’t care what he ate for lunch. Just sayin.
WILL YOU STOP saying you’re sorry. You’re blatantly NOT sorry!
…And don’t get me started on those Facebook ranters!
Stones and glass houses come to mind.
And of course, the rant will end with the classic;
…Okay. Rant over!!! (I feel so much better now) *smiley face*
The Political Rant
No one likes a know-it-all. Wait, let me rephrase that, no one likes a person who THINKS they know it all, but actually doesn’t know what they’re talking about! Let me introduce you to the political ranter.
The political ranter will ram their political views down our throats, regardless of whether we give two sh**’s. As the political ranter unleashes their 25th political opinion of the day, they have only one thing on their mind… “Let’s see who else I can p*** off!” Inevitably, within 2 minutes we are likely to see a backlash of disagreement, anguish and hate. That’s when we sit back, pour ourselves some coffee and watch the drama unfold. 3 days and 1300 comments later, the argument comes to an end. Yeah, I guess someone needed to sleep! Who won? More to the point, who cares?
The TMI Ranter
Facebook, an online social networking service the line for us to air out our laundry.
We’ve already been whacked in the face with a thong, but there is a pair of dirty Y-fronts flying right at us, screaming “You know you want a piece of this”. Just a little FYI, Y-fronts aren’t my thing, and neither are thongs! As a matter of fact, I detest any form of public laundry flying at me. I’m sorry to break it to you, Barbie and Ken, but I don’t want to know about your favourite sex positions. Nor do I want to hear about your ex’s nether regions, Mrs Over-sharer!
And I certainly don’t want to know about…
The Pointless Rant
The pointless rant is what it says on the tin, POINTLESS!
What more can I say?
From ranting about how much one hates being sardined on the fart-infested tube ride home, to continuously complaining about how much you hate doing the laundry. I hate to break it to you, but by the time we’re halfway through your status, we’re not only stifling our yawns, but we are…
As much as we want to put our hands over our ears and sing “la la la!” The intuitive beings we are, secretly enjoy the dirty laundry scattered over our newsfeed. That’s right! As much as we squirm in our chair in mortification, we can’t help but peep from out of the cushion we hide behind.
If it isn’t rambling rants ruining our day, then it will be the Moaning Myrtle. Most of us have read the Harry Potter books, or like me, just watched the films (lazy, I know!) If so, you would have witnessed Moaning Myrtle hanging around like a bad smell, whining and moaning, and generally putting a dampener on EVERYONE’s day. Sound familiar? Well, that’s because there are Moaning Myrtles scattered all over the web, ready to unleash a multitude of moans, and rain on our joyous parades!
Let’s start with a classic…
The Honeymoon-Period-is-Over Moan
Now, we’ve all had a spot of relationship trouble in our lives, but do we put it up on Facebook for the WHOLE world to see? HECK NO! Unless you’re trying to score some pity points, then perhaps therapy might be a better option?
Up next, we have the….
Cheating Boyfriend Moan
After news spread across the internet quicker than the bubonic plague, poor Jamie became girlfriend-less for the rest of his life. My heart bleeds for him, it really does. *Sarcastic face*
The Resentful Singleton Moan
*Coughs* Well, it’s an interesting analogy, but it’s not going to ‘bag’ you a man!
The I HATE MY JOB Moan
Oops! We better make that…The ‘I Just Lost My Job!’ moan
The Weather Moan
Today, it is cloudy with a chance of….I DON’T CARE! How does the song go? “Everywhere you gooooo, you always take the weather (and your whiny-arse moaning!) …with you!” Because we’re obviously incapable of opening up our window and seeing with our very own eyes, that it is indeed, snowing. Nope! That’s the job of the weather moaner! Too hot, too cold, too rainy, too windy….TOO DAMN ANNOYING!
The I’m Soooo Hungover Moan
You think you have a headache? Your hangover is giving us a hangover! Quit wining (<– I’m too funny!) take a paracetamol or two, and dig into a nice greasy bacon sandwich! You’ll be right as rain in no time.
The Moan-for-The-Sake-of-Moaning Moan
Yes, watching paint dry is a favourite pastime for me, too…but I don’t feel the need to PAINT it all over facebook!
“I love logging onto Facebook and scrolling through a sea of people moaning about how unhappy and boring their lives are.” Said no one ever!!!
Are we done moaning yet? Hasn’t our parade been well and truly drenched? If only Facebook had a “play the smallest violin” icon, so we could play a sorrowful tune to the beat of their sorrowful whining. But our arms are tired, our ears are ringing, and we don’t want to play our tiny violins anymore!
It’s time to pack away those violins, fire up the parade, and send those Moaning Myrtles to the underbelly of the Facebook world – Yes, I’m talking about the deep dark depths of the land of HIDE ALL POSTS! Sounds exotic, doesn’t it?
Nothing gets my eyeballs rolling more than the vaguebooker! The vague what? The vaguebooker is a person who writes vague status updates which intentionally prompt friends to ask what’s going on? A cry for help, if you will. A “Hello, do you see me over here looking all sad and pitiable, give me some attention!”
The Fishing for Compliments
Vaguebooker: So FED UP!
Concerned friend: What’s up?
Concerned friend 2: What’s wrong? Would you like to talk about it?
While the comments begin to roll in, the vaguebooker is smirking, and thinking, “Hmm, how long can I string this out?”
This classic example screams, “I WANT ATTENTION”. Sure enough, in one click of an elusive status update… POW! They gain instant attention.
The Cryptic Messenger
Vaguebooker: I have never felt so let down!
Concerned Friend: I’m here for you, babe.
Concerned Friend 2: I’m here if you wanna talk.
The Arch Enemy: This message is blatantly about me! So childish!
What better way to resolve issues with someone than post cryptic status updates all over Facebook? Come on guys! This isn’t high school. If you have ‘beef’ with someone, talk it out face-to-face rather than imposing your issue onto everyone else. Suddenly, we all start to feel a bit paranoid… It couldn’t be about me, surely? What have I done? Perhaps I should send some flowers to apologise?
The ‘I Don’t Want to Talk About It’
Vaguebooker: OMG! This is terrible! #Idontwanttotalkaboutit
Curious Friend: What’s happened? Tell me…Tell me!
Curious friend 2: Is everything okay?
50 minutes, 134 comments and a dozen scratched heads later, the vaguebooker finally replies.
Vaguebooker: I don’t want to talk about it.
Are you freaking kidding me? Doesn’t this just make you want to shake your computer screen and scream into thin air? The ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ actually converts into “It’s true, I don’t want to talk about, I’d rather keep you suckers guessing!” It’s the ultimate fishing for compliments, and boy did they catch some big ones!
The Mystical One
Vaguebooker: Big changes are about to happen!
Curious friend: Spill the beans!
Curious friend 2: Oh yeah! What big changes are these?
Impatient Friend: Come on! Will you just tell us already?
Damn Right Nosy Friend: Your preggers, aren’t you?
Good news? Bad news? For the love of god, please don’t leave us hanging!
We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve thrown our laptops out the window…The guilty culprit? The vaguebooker! We all have that one friend who posts something vague, or cryptic, on their Facebook page. Whether it’s a woe is me, or a simple downward smile, we rush over and sprinkle them with our undivided attention. Deep down we know they are just fishing for compliments, but this doesn’t stop us waiting on their every beckon call…But should we keep on giving them the attention they crave? Or should we secretly cross our fingers and hope that they take their aura of mystery and mysteriously DISAPPEAR!
Nothing says “Yeah, I like what you’re saying, but I don’t like it enough to comment” as the like button does. It’s the lazy person’s way of saying “I only skim-read your status, but it looked like it was going to be a good one, so I gave it my stamp of approval – Aren’t you lucky?!”
Before we dive into a pool of like button pet-peeves, let’s take a brief look at the history of the all-important like button.
Where did it all begin?
The like button didn’t always dominate our computer screens. That’s right, once upon a time the like button didn’t even exist. In fact, the like button option didn’t hit our screens until 9 February 2009. It wasn’t long before the like button became something of an epidemic. With a whopping 65 MILLION users liking things daily, it’s no wonder it has become one of Facebook’s most popular functions. Who would have thought this seemingly innocuous little like button could invade the Facebook pages of so many! But what is it about the like button that makes us want to caress it so zealously? And why are we so compelled to like every other status we see?
Facebook describes “liking” as a way for users to give positive feedback to others they connect with, or care about. Sounds legitimate enough? Not quite. The like button doesn’t come without criticism. It has been linked to both privacy issues and breached browser security (<- Yeah, that went over my head too!) And not forgetting those fake likes which can act as a powerful marketing tool, when trying to promote a brand, product or personality.
Oh wow, they have a million likes! I’m going to buy me some shoe umbrellas!
Yeah, maybe not such a great idea?
There’s no denying the link between numbers of likes on a person’s status and popularity. Sadly, the amount of likes one gains is irrelevant to life outside of the social media bubble. I mean, a thousand likes isn’t going to pay your mortgage. A hundred likes won’t even get you a job! Before we allow our ego’s to over-inflate, it’s time to step away from the like button, and allow our heads to shrink back to normality.
What’s not to like?
There is an abundance of like button exasperations; from serial likers to those people who sneakily like their own statuses – which, of course, I have NEVER done…
Let’s take a look at the guilty culprits…
The Serial Liker
The serial liker: Clogging up newsfeeds all over the world. I mean, we know you have a little one, but do you have to like every SINGLE baby product to hit the web? My newsfeed is beginning to look like the baby aisle in Toys R us!
As the name suggests, the Serial liker will pretty much like anything in their newsfeed. You can be certain the serial liker will swoon right in there, and grab the very first like of the status you posted only a nano-second ago. Sincerity flies out of the window, as they like EVERY SINGLE status to hit your Facebook page, regardless of its content. We give thanks for their support by liking their status’s too! “BINGO, another one in the bag!” The serial liker whispers, with a smirk upon their face.
Give those fingers a rest, will you! If you keep on like like liking, you’ll get a bad case of repetitive strain. Now that would be a shame wouldn’t it…
As much as it’s good to spread a bit of liking cheer, you never know what trouble those over-liking fingers might land you in!
Mourning Mona: “My dog just died? Why did you just like my status?”
Oops! You can say goodbye to that friend.
It might be advisable to read the content before you take the plunge into liking a person’s status. The death of a dog is more likely to be overlooked than liking the Taliban’s mission of mass destruction…I mean, talk about committing social suicide.
and cue the …
The Like for Liker
It’s only natural to feel instant gratification as you gain floods of “likes” on that special something you just shared on Facebook. There’s something about that blue thumbs up, which not only makes the heart grow warm but also provides us with a feeling of appreciation, validation, love and respect. But what happens when your status goes down like a lead balloon?
The absence of likes can have the very opposite effect. A status with little or no likes, can not only leave us feeling deflated, but it can also provoke feelings of insecurity, anxiety, hopelessness and rejection.
With “likes” becoming the new currency of the social media world, is there any wonder why people are doing everything they can, to gain as many as they can.
Fancy a game of tit for tat? I’ll like yours if you like mine? Come on guys! We aren’t in pre-school. If we want to like your status, we would have liked it already. If this isn’t enough to ruin our day, then it’ll be the like beggars…
The Like Beggar: Please can you like my bands fan page?
Me: Dude, if you feel the need to beg for likes on your band’s page, this really doesn’t say much about your band! Oh, btw…the answer is NO!
Harsh? A little. But if I get one more person begging for likes…
The Own Status Liker
Liking you own Facebook status; it’s like laughing really hard at your own joke. Only, when we look around, no one else is laughing, they are actually thinking what an absolute fool we are! Their assumption is quite accurate. I mean, who feels the need to like their own status? Well, unless it is truly AWESOME…
The DISS Liker
Where’s the dislike button?
Facebook invented the like button for two reasons. The first reason was to unclutter feeds riddled with positive one-word comments. The second is self-explanatory; to enable people to give positive feedback, a visual thumbs up, if you will. Facebook chose not to include a dislike button because they felt it would be better to corner more negative users into leaving a comment explaining their opinions…
…Or maybe not!
The Cheerleader of Likes
There’s always one Facebook friend who writes the most invalid status updates, and then waits for a reaction. Two hours and they haven’t got one like, let alone a comment.
“Alas”, we think to ourselves. Soon they will get the hint that no one actually cares about their pointless, and quite frankly, infuriating status updates. Wrong! The Cheerleader of likes comes back-flipping in, and not only gives the blue thumbs up, but also comments “I completely agree!” or, “You are so right!”. Great, just great, now we have to endure more pointless statuses, all because of you, Cheerleader of likes!
The worst culprit of all…
The Liker Liar
Most of us have been there; we text a friend and wait for a response. Two hours pass by and there is still no reply. “Maybe they are busy” we reassure ourselves. Only, as we login to Facebook, we find out this isn’t the case at all. For in our newsfeed it looks like they have been too busy liking every damn status they see. BUSTED!
The like button; the most amazing thing Facebook has ever invented, or yet another reason for us to hate Facebook all the more? Whether you love to indulge in a liking spree from time to time, or you find it incredibly annoying, there’s no escaping the fact the like button is here to stay! Now let’s see those blue thumbs!
100 More Likes and I Can Save This Girls Life
Imagine the scene: The doctor is preparing to perform a lifesaving operation. The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in with a portion of chips, you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them. The doctor pulls on his surgical gloves and cap, and takes one more deep breath before he takes to the scalpel. Although he looks as cool as a cucumber, inside he’s quivering like a candle flame in the light breeze. The operation can’t be done without the donation of a liver transplant 1 million likes.
The doctor turns to the nurse, “How many likes have we got, Jane?”
The room falls silent, and everyone is anticipating the all-important answer.
Jane’s eyes light up, as she gushes “We have one million likes, guys!”
And we can breathe once again! Everyone in the theatre cheers as streamers fall from the sky and a big 1 MILLION LIKES banner is carried in by two attractive nurses. The young boy pulls through and is healthy once again, and of course, it has nothing to do with the competency of the doctor, it’s all thanks to those 1 million likes. “It’s a miracle” the little boy gleams, as he posts his gratitude on the Internet.
A bit far-fetched? Maybe. But how many times have we seen these sorts of statuses flying around the Facebook world? The answer: too many damn times! Of course, a million likes won’t save a life. Call me a cynic, but if a million likes can’t buy us a mortgage or get us a job, it surely isn’t going to save a life!
If You Don’t Like This You’re Going to Hell
So, if I don’t like this status I’m going to hell, huh? Yikes! I better like this status straight away before the devil breaks through the ground, grabs me by my jittering legs and pulls me deep down into the dark depths of hell.
Share If you love Your Kids
This one really get my goat! Of course I love my children, this goes without saying. Do I need to like a status to prove this? Heck no!
Like This and I’ll Raise My Sweatshirt Up One Quarter of an Inch Higher
This type of status screams desperation. But if we can’t pull in likes by posting side-splitting statuses, daredevil videos or showing off our singing skills while strumming a six string, then why not try a spot of full frontal nudity? Modesty flies out of the window, but heck, we don’t care because we’ve just reached the most likes we’ve ever had!
If I Get 500 Likes I’ll pour Ice Cold Water Over My Head
Oh right! This one has already been done, you say?
I better fetch the mop!
If You Don’t Pass This On You’ll Find a Girl in Your Closet.
Have you ever read those forbidden statuses about being haunted for all of eternity by some scary, dishevelled ghost girl? “What a load of crap!” we smirk, ignoring the warning message. 24 hours later and we start to fret. It’s like watching a horror movie when you’re home alone. As we turn off the lights, we run to our beds quicker than a whippet and bury ourselves under the safety of our duvet. As scary scenarios run through our minds, we quiver in fear and jump out of our skin at every little sound. Too scared to open our closet the next day, we have to wear our pyjama’s to work
So there we have it! We’ve watched doctors succeed at lifesaving surgery due to a million likes. We have been to hell and back again. We’ve been so frozen our feet have turned to ice! And now, we have the pleasure of being haunted for all of sacrred lives! Facebook at it’s very finest!
Why watch TV when we have hours and hours of entertainment via Facebook? It’s like watching a TV soap opera unfold, but even better!
On Facebook, there is no product placement, nor are there scenes created specifically for entertainment purposes. It’s real life, with real people and real problems.
Dim the lights, grab yourself some popcorn and wait for the drama to begin…
The Bad Romance
‘Cause you’re hot then you’re cold
You’re yes then you’re no
You’re in then you’re out
You’re up then you’re down’
We know the song because we’ve heard it a million times over. And so the broken record continues to play. Are they on? Are they off? Do we give two hoots? Of course we do, we wouldn’t be clinging to the edge of our seats otherwise! Do we want them to kiss and make-up? Or are we anticipating another lovers tiff?
Hold up! A marriage proposal?
Quite the romantic, eh?
Two months later…
But don’t cry too hard! This is Facebook, and in the world of Facebook, anything can happen…
Perhaps a happily-ever-after could be on the cards, after all?
The Love Rat
In a relationship, single, it’s complicated, and look, she’s in a relationship again! This man is a love rat. She knows it, we know it, heck, even my next-door neighbour knows it! How? Because she’s put it up on Facebook for the WHOLE world to…err…enjoy! Everyone has tuned in to see if she finally ditches her love rat boyfriend.
Status update: It’s finally over, I found Mr Love Rat in bed with my best friend. #Devastated!
Alas, we can sleep at night. I mean, she wouldn’t take him back after this, surely?
OH NO she didn’t!
OH YES, she did! As our finger hovers over the *unfriend* button, we can’t bring ourselves to press it. I mean, what else are we going to gossip about, once the soap opera is over?
The Facebook feud, it’s like sitting in the audience of Jerry Springer watching two quarrelling friends swing at each other until they go hot and sweaty in the face. It’s exhausting, but boy does it make good TV viewing! Not to egg them on…
FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT! *Beats fist in the air*
Waaaaaaaaait! Can you pause one moment? I just need to fetch my popcorn!
Several months’ worth of tears, frustration and flying insults, and our evening entertainment stumbles to an end. The feuding friends kiss and make up, and all is forgotten.
As the end credits begin to roll. We turn to each other in sorrow, and ask, “What are we going to gossip about now?”
Who else is hooked (excuse the pun!) on MTV’s show, Catfish? For those of you who don’t know, Catfish is an American reality-based docu-series about the truths and lies of online dating. What the heck has a catfish got to do with online dating? A catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they’re not, using Facebook or other social media sites. They use these sites to create false identities in order to pursue deceptive online romances. Film producers, Schulam and his filmmaking friend, Max, help couples who have never met in real life, to see if their romance is legit, or whether they are, in fact, a catfish. Sometimes their romance goes swimmingly,
sometimes most of the time they sink deep down to the bottom of the sea.
You have a new friend request.
Don’t be too quick to accept that friend request. Under a sea of Facebook fraudulence lie many a catfish, ready to bite the hand of anyone who feeds them. Sometimes we click accept without a second thought. I mean, the profile picture looks legit enough. But wait a minute… No friends in common? Only one profile picture? Never seen you before in my life? If it looks suspect, then it probably is.
Something Smells Fishy
There’s a whole sea of fraudsters, stalkers and cyber-scammers, waiting for us to swim right into their nets of deceit. Whether we quickly wriggle our way out or remain trapped in a spiral of dishonesty, no one really knows who is behind the computer screen.
Revenge, loneliness, curiosity or boredom, these are just a few of the reasons why people swindle their way into fraudulent online relationships. We’ve seen the scenario play out all too many times; the guy seeks an online romance and meets the girl of his dreams. Not only is she smoking HOT, but over the past few years, they have developed a deep connection. There’s just one problem… He hasn’t ever met her in person, In fact, they haven’t even spoken on the telephone. A red light, perhaps? No, this guy claims he is in love with this girl, and he trusts her completely. What’s not to trust? The fact she has very few Facebook pictures? The fact the skype connection never seems to work? Or maybe, the fact she is always too busy to call? Put your finest headwear away, sadly this isn’t a happily-ever-after. It turns out this hot lady, isn’t a hot lady at all… she’s a…
DUN DUN DUN…
…A Man. She’s actually a man…and not even a good looking one! (Sorry Kip!)
While Romantic Rick throws his laptop onto the bonfire – his dignity in shatters – we should learn from his experience, and stay clear of those dodgy new friend requests. If it smells a bit fishy… it’s probably a CATFISH!
Climb on board the fad wagon, for we are en route to a land of candy-crushing, cow-milking and cats in stockings… Yeah, I said cats in stockings! Hours of fun awaits for you in this enchanted land of floating diamonds, pixelated people and addictive theme tunes. Beware of the ice buckets, grumpy cats and plankers, and make sure you say hello to the owl. A psychedelic nightmare? No! Just Facebook.
We’ve all experienced the fleet of Facebook fads hitting our screens in a frenzy. From bit strips to bar straps, there’s no escaping the crazy fads flying all over our Facebook feeds. But as quick as they fly onto our screens, we can soon find them in the craze cemetery, among Tetris and the Flappy Birds.
The phenomenon of planking is an activity that encompasses lying face down in an often strange, or incongruous, public place in a plank position. Say what? A plank position is when someone lies expressionless with a straight body, hands at their sides and toes pointing to the ground.
So, how did mimicking a wooden plank become so popular?
Believe it or not, the first recorded occurrence of planking was in 1994 by a Canadian comedian called, Tom Green. During his show he performed a stunt he called “Dead Guy”, which consisted of Green lying down on an Ottawa sidewalk without moving.
Unfortunately, this episode was never aired. But now for the EXCITING PART…
In 2007, two bored school boys in Taunton – YES, I said TAUNTON! Why does this excite me so much? Taunton is my HOMETOWN, in Somerset, England.
Where did I get to…. Two bored boys in Taunton started lying face-down in public places to amuse themselves (Well, to be fair, there isn’t much to do in Taunton!), and baffle onlookers. Gary Clarkson (then aged 15) and Christian Langdon (then aged 12) called it the “lying down game”. Clarkson summed it up accurately when he said, “It was just a really stupid, random thing to do.”
Soon news spread, as mutual friend, Daniel Hoppin, created a Facebook page for their craze – to see who could achieve the craziest photo.
Since then, planking has taekn the world by storm. There are literally planker’s everywhere!
From planking on the plane…
…to planking on a…errr… basketball net!
Even the Granddad’s are giving it a shot!
It’s not just a bunch of plankers, there are also batmanners…
Batmanning involves hanging upside down and mimicking batman.
What more can I say?
You wouldn’t want to meet him in a dark alley, would you?
Owling, another pointless fad to add to a list of many. The owling phenomena simply involves striking an owl pose!
Can you tell the difference?
And the last one involves pets in pantihose/tights/stockings…
…And even wigs!
We don’t give a HOOT how good you think you look, lurking around naked on a tree branch, mimicking an owl. We don’t even care if batman just so happens to lose his grip…
We do, however, care about the poor pets forced to dressed up as humans! Step away from the pantyhose, put those bat capes back in the closet and leave those owls alone! Has the blood run to your head? Have you gone cuckoo? These nonsensical, damn right crazy fads have gotten out of hand. What next? Dunking your head into a toilet for laughs?
You have got to be kidding me?
Sure enough, there is an internet craze called, “Plumbkin”. Do NOT try this one at home, folks!
That Stupid Giraffe Riddle
Do you remember a time when Facebook was invaded by ….giraffes? Always the last to know, we were left scratching our heads and wondering what had happened to the world. Turns out it was the failed result of tough riddle that temporarily transformed Facebook into a zoo. Those who couldn’t crack the riddle had to change their profile picture to the image of a giraffe, and then pass the riddle on.
So, what was this riddle?
‘It’s 3am, the doorbell rings and you wake up. Unexpected visitors! It’s your parents and they are here for breakfast. You have strawberry jam, honey, wine, bread and cheese. What is the first thing you open?’
The riddle received mixed emotions, and while some people thought it was good fun, others grew tired of seeing giraffe pictures….EVERYWHERE!
If you’re still sat here, scratching your head and thinking, “Well, what the heck is the answer?” – It’s
WINE I meant the DOOR… We open the DOOR first! It’s okay, 90% of Facebook couldn’t answer it either, hence the domination of giraffe pictures!
Bit strips; a stream of random and unfunny inside jokes in the form of cartoon strips which NO ONE else on Facebook gets!
Stuart is maxed out working his biceps at the gym, Cindy is love-struck over Tony, and Johnathon just hit Bob over the head with a kipper. What’s going on Facebook? I’m sorry Stu, but no one cares if your biceps are bigger than elephants foot. Cindy, if you’re so love-struck over Tony, get off the internet and tell him so! And Johnathon, You keep on hitting your boss with a kipper, it’s actually quite comical!
Bitstrips started off with a bang but can now be found at the back of the craze cemetery, between the Sinclair C5 and the soda stream! R.I.P, you humourless bundle of infuriation!
The Personality Quiz
Which Disney character are you? Who cares? Is this personality quiz even accurate? Do I look like I have the personality of Cruella Deville?
In a few short answers we can find out a wealth of information, from our IQ’s to which type of potato we resemble the most. A king Edward? A Golden Wonder? Does it really matter what kind of potato we resemble? Do we really want to know which Magic Mike stripper is our soulmate? Do we really care which defunct 90’s soda we are?
Blue, yellow, red, green… What is this? The rainbow? Joseph’s technicoloured dreamcoat? Nope, it’s yet another silly Facebook fad clogging up our newsfeed.
The bra strap game certainly got the men straining their brains, and for a short period, it was amusing. But when our Facebook walls looked like a unicorn puked rainbows over them, enough was enough!
I Like It On…
“I like it on the floor,” “I like it on the couch,” “I like it on my desk”, “I like it on the bear rug”…
But what is “it”?
It was a purse, a damn purse!
Millions of female users across the world kept the men on their tippy toes as they updated their statuses to what appeared to be sexually suggestive phrases, such as “I like it on the kitchen counter” …
Whoa there, David Hasselhoff (Aka the Hoffmeister) Don’t get too excited, it’s just a purse, a damned purse!
The I like it… was fun for a while, until the cat was let out of the bag and it continued to spray up our Facebook feeds! Annoyed with it’s lingering smell, we shooed it off with the back of a broom!
Climb on board the time machine, for we are taking a trip down memory lane. Get your cheesiest photos at the ready, it’s time to stick them all over Facebook until our friends beg us to stop! That right, its throwback Thursday!
Throwback Thursday, otherwise known as #TBT, is a weekly ritual for the nostalgic folk, to post old photos of themselves on social networking sites such as Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. It’s a trend that has taken over our timelines, feeds, walls and every Thursday… for the rest of our lives!
Every Thursday our entire newsfeeds gets covered in baby photos, old school photos and awkward 80’s throwbacks.
Once they’ve posted every childhood picture in the family album, they do it all over again, starting from birth. We get it, we were all young once, we all had bad taste in fashion and dodgy haircuts, but we don’t have to shout it to the world! As much as I love to reminisce old times, I don’t want to see every Tom, Dick and Cynthia’s lifeline in photos. Nor do I care to see the moment you entered the world… via your mother’s legs!
A vintage photo from time to time is perfectly acceptable, it’s even quite pleasant to see how one used to look many moons ago, but just not EVERY DAMN THURSDAY!
ALS Ice Bucket Challenge
More recently we saw the ALS ice bucket challenge hit our Facebook page like a bucket of…errr…ice! Splash! We had to watch an ice bucket being thrown over nominee after nominee after YOU GUESSED IT. Not only did it have us reaching for our jumpers, but it was also inescapable for weeks. Sure, it was entertaining to begin with, especially watching those annoying celebrities squirm in discontentment, but once you watch one person get drenched and jump up and down like a yeti on a pogo-stick, we’ve pretty much seen them all.
As much as this falls into the most annoying fads category, at least the ice bucket was for a worthy cause. The ice bucket challenge made a huge amount of money due to people’s generosity, and bravery to go under the ice! In fact, a whopping £100 million pounds ‘poured’ in for the cause, as well as, a total of 28 million people uploading, commenting on or liking ice bucket-related posts.
Facebook fads; they come, they take over our lives and then they leave without as much as a “Goodbye, see you later!” We’ve all, at some point in our lives, been enthralled by a Facebook fad. Whether it’s planking, crushing candy or laughing at the grumpy cat, life wouldn’t be the same without them. As we lay some of them down to rest, we raise our glass of cyber juice, and say “Here’s to many more time-wasting Facebook fads!”
Crappy statuses, pointless pokes, boring brags, sound familiar to you?
Does anyone else feel like Facebook is losing its edge? Once upon a time it was the best thing since sliced bread, now it’s more bread that has been left out to go stale. It no longer tickles the taste buds like it used to, but yet, if there’s nothing left in the cupboards, we will indulge a little.
With status updates like this…
…it’s enough to send us into a Facebook-induced slumber. Nobody cares if you’re eating a banana, and we definitely don’t care to see it! We are fully aware what a banana looks like and we certainly don’t need you to take a foodagram, or worse still, read your boring instructions on how to eat one!
A Day in the Life of Borebook
We log in,
We check our notifications,
We poke everyone back,
We do the happy birthday ritual,
Click back on homepage,
We scroll through statuses and statuses of pure tediousness,
Our eyelids become heavy,
Our eyes begin to close,
Our heads hit the keyboard,
We begin to snore…
Just an average day on Facebook. And yet we keep coming back for more. We can’t quite prise ourselves away. We reassure ourselves that if we keep on scrolling something interesting will happen, we’re bound to hit the jackpot of exciting news…but no such luck. 4 hours of aimless scrolling and we only have an arm-ache to show for it! What a waste of time!
The Energy Vampires
If it isn’t the hourly reports of every mundane detail of people’s lives, it will be their constant complaining. Whether they’re complaining about how much they detest their jobs, or just whining for the sake of whining, nothing puts a dampener on our day like these energy vampires, sucking the enjoyment from the necks of anyone they can sink their teeth into.
Sounds like a Tesco ad, doesn’t it? Don’t you just hate scrolling through statuses and statuses of annoying announcements on every small and irreverent activity of a Facebook friend’s life? Since when did Facebook because Life Book? Or rather, GET-A-LIFE book!
We don’t care if you’re halfway through your weekly food shop. Nobody cares if you can’t find the right shoes to wear. Log off of Facebook, pay for your shopping and choose a pair of damn shoes without the conflicting opinions of your 2oo + Facebook friends!
The Baby Bore
Oh look, someone’s just spat up over my newsfeed. Oh, no, it’s just another momma gushing about how their precious darling is so much more talented, gifted and beautiful than everyone else (in the world!) And we can’t just take her word for it, oh no, proud momma has to post the evidence all over Facebook for everyone to see!
Look, my precious darling can play the violin while using her potty! #multitalented
We don’t care!
Watch my baby recite the bible in Latin #soprecious
Okay, so this is impressive, but we still don’t care!
Look at my little darling playing Mozart’s 5th symphony on the grand piano #shesgotthexfactor
After the hundredth baby brag of the day, we finally say farewell to our Facebook friend. And while we’re losing a few, we better unfriend Banana-man and shoe fetish Fabio, too.
So there we have it, 10 more things I hate about Facebook. I could go on for all of eternity, but I have already written an entire thesis, and quite frankly, I’m ready to hammer that last nail into the Facebook coffin, sprinkle the dust and say my final farewells.
*The violins begin to play a sorrowful tune*
Once upon a time I, too, was a hopeless, bleary-eyed and crazed Facebook addict, drained of all life and ambition. My days became occupied with poking, scrolling and laughing at meaningless meme’s. One day, I came to the horrifying realisation that I was indeed frivolling away hours and hours, days and days, weeks and weeks, months and months, YEARS and…dare I say it…YEARS, of my life. Enough was enough! Without so much as a quivering hand, or quaking heartbeat, I did the unthinkable… I deactivated my Facebook. Poof. The burden was finally gone and I felt free once again.
And guess what? I survived. I actually SURVIVED! One month on, and several more concerned emails from my friends, I am still minus Facebook and LOVING IT.
Facebook, as you continue to mould around the edges, I wonder what your shelf life will be…
Who am I kidding? Facebook is here to stay, mould or no mould. It’s become so ingrained into our society, people can barely function without it. Everywhere we go, we see blue! Life just wouldn’t be the same without pointless poking, senseless scrolling and insufferable statuses.
So, it looks like Facebook is here to stay, but the question is: Are you ready to cut those Facebook chains, or are you going to grab yourself some popcorn and tune into some more Facebook fun?
*Feel free to stay and discuss any Facebook pet-peaves, or just have a good old moan about the ones on my list!