Dear Neighbours from Hell,
What is this place I stand in? Music blasting, people screaming and glass shattering upon the ground. Am I in some seedy downtown nightclub? What is this place I stand in? The walls are shaking, dust falls from the ceiling and the floor tremors like a volcano, ready to erupt. Am I stood in a building site? What is this place I stand in? The smell of alcohol wraps itself around me, the putrid odour of cannabis invades my nostrils and I start to feel a little dazed. Am I in a stoner’s pocket, who just happens to be in a brewery?
No, this place I stand in, is actually my house. I’m not playing any music, nor have I invited half the street over for a housewarming party. I actually just planned to have a quiet night in. This was until the walls began to rumble with your, to put it frankly, shocking taste in music. Wait a minute, I’m not sure you can call the sound of sirens, ground-hole drills and helium balloon vocals, music! An earache would be a better description!
Let me introduce myself. We’ve never met face-to-face. In fact, the closest thing to a greeting was a dirty once-over followed by a grunt. Charming I thought. How lucky I am to live next to such smiley, happy people. As I looked at the chaos of your front garden, I soon realised you probably weren’t the type of neighbours you see in those movies. You know, the ones who make small talk over the garden fence, the ones who give you advice on how to grow your own cherry tomatoes, the ones who invite you over for a cup of their finest Earl Grey. I couldn’t quite envisage you popping around with some homemade chocolate chip cookies. A bag of Ketamine perhaps? But certainly not cookies – even of the shop-bought variety!
Homemade cookies aside, let me tell you a little about myself. My name is Amanda, and I have just moved from Coventry. After experiencing a terrible 7 months, partially due to the Landlord from hell, I longed for a fresh start. We found this lovely house in the ideal location. With a school just down the road and a play park on the corner, it’s an overall sought-after, family-orientated place to live. You might say, this was my dream house. However, life doesn’t always go to plan and deep down I knew it all seemed too perfect. And so I went from landlord from hell to neighbours from hell, in a clunk of a moving van’s door.
Two nights after our move, the blaring music began. If it was just the extremely loud music, perhaps this wouldn’t be so bad. However, it didn’t stop there! No, I also had the pleasure of enduring aggressive screaming matches between your partner and you. Furthermore, people were constantly entering and exiting your house. Every time this happened, the door gets slammed and our walls vibrate. Not great, when my children are trying to sleep!
I’m not stupid, I know the people entering and leaving your house aren’t visitors. After all, who in their right mind would want to be friends with such ill-mannered beings? There are certainly some dodgy dealings going on, and I’m not just talking about your precious weed stash! Whilst we’re on the topic of Marijuana. May I educate you a little? Judging by the amount of times I have to endure the vulgar smell of your funky cigarettes – seeping through my walls, I’m guessing you chain smoke this stuff throughout the day. You see, if you’re smoking this stuff day in – day out, you may as well take a baseball bat to your head until all your brain cells morph into nothingness. I’ll do it for you if you like?
Or am I?
Is there any wonder, you are as lethargic as a sloth dangling from the lazy tree? Is there any wonder, you can barely string a comprehensible sentence together? Is there any wonder, you have never had a job in your entire life?
The loud music and fighting in the street continued. One night, I could take it no longer. I had no other option than to shift my bed to the opposite end of the room (to escape the sound!) That’s not so bad? If only it was so easy! I had to move the rest of my heavy bedroom furniture to accommodate my bed. I broke a glass lamp in the process and ended up cutting my foot. So not only had I moved the entire contents of my bedroom, but I had to sweep up glass too! Brilliant, just brilliant. I would say ‘sweeping glass’ is up there on my favourite list of activities, especially at half 3 in the FREAKEN morning! I jumped into bed, switched off my light and… BOOM, BOOM, BOOM! Unfortunately, the 3-metre diameter didn’t make a whole lot of difference.
When I wake up in the mornings I’m more Grumpy gorilla than Daisy fresh. But wait? I don’t even have a hangover? Oh, that’s right…You kept me up all night!
So the average person might throw a house party Friday, maybe Saturday! Not you! You like to party Monday through to Sunday, no consideration for anyone else around you! You like to scream at the top of your lungs throughout the night and early hours. Not only do you like to swear continuously at your party guests, but you also like to throttle them and bash them repeatedly against the walls. Please, can I come to your party? It sounds like I’m missing out! No, wait… I’m pretty much already at your party, only I haven’t got the option to leave!
With black bags under my eyes and a despondent look upon my face, I resemble something of a human zombie. I can barely function straight. Even minimal tasks such as making a cup of tea, take time and thought. I question, if I feel like this after a few rough nights, how must you feel after pumping drugs into your system throughout the night? Oh that’s right, you don’t have to get up with your children the next day! You can sleep it off… ALL DAY! It’s not like any of you have a job to go to!
What can one do in this situation? This has become a bit of , what some might call, a ‘ball ache’. If I couldn’t talk to you amicably, then my only other option was to call the police. So not only are you wasting mine and our neighbours time, you are now wasting the police’s time…
*Coughs* Look to your right!
Need I say any more?
My plan for the police to arrest you, and throw you into a cell, went down like a… Krispy Kreme Donut at a weight watchers convention! So, I phoned the Environment Health Department instead…
“Yeah, of course, we will help….. We’ll send you out a nuisance diary. Jot down all the times your neighbours are a nuisance.”
“Okay, but what about the noise?”
“You have a nice day now!”
*Phoneline goes dead*
Ah! Let’s see…
Try EVERY FREAKEN DAY OF THE WEEK!
I was planning to get my revenge and watch an episode of NEIGHBOURS AT WAR play out!
‘Pissing the neighbours off’ list
1: Drag out my old ghetto-blaster and blare out Celine Dion’s best hits, accompanied, of course, by my singing in all it’s tone-deaf glory!
2: Every time the music comes on. My husband and I would make music of our very own, including some rocking and a knocking, and if you’re extremely lucky, some squealing and shouting, too!
3: Break into your house when nobody is around and cut through the wires to every music-playing device you own.
4: Mow the lawn at 6.am in the morning, with a smile of gratification on my face, knowing you’ll be ‘hanging’ from the night before.
Or perhaps I’ll take a leaf out of my ex-neighbours book and just…
5: Cut your phone wires and hide your wheely-bins.
You never take your wheely-bins out, therefore, this would have no impact what-so-ever!
Wheely-bins and Ghetto -blasters aside, I am coming to the end of my tether! I’ve tried ear plugs and various other contraptions to stick into my ears. I’ve tried playing my music just as loud, but let’s face it, nobodies going to get to sleep that way! Heck, I’ve even tried wrapping a duvet around my head whilst I sleep! But NOTHING keeps out the sound.
So if it isn’t your deafening music, slamming doors, dogs barking or an episode of Jeremy Kyle playing out in the street, it will be your continuous coughing throughout the night. I know your lungs must be crying out for help, but please can you stifle those coughs into your pillow, preferably holding your face there for a ‘wee while’ until you pass out!
I’m just kidding…
Or am I?
You see, every time you cough, you wake up my son. Every time you wake up my son. I wake up. Every time I wake up, I’m GRUMPY!
Tell me, how is this fair? Why should I be made to feel this way? I haven’t done anything to you. Well, except shout ‘low life scumbags’ through the wall on a few occasions. Why did I do this? I did this because you had tested my patience, as your music continued to play at 4am in the morning. By the way, I think this is an accurate description, and I don’t take it back! You see, when you keep me up all night and into the early hours of the morning (I think the record was 8.30am!) it means I can’t function appropriately. It means I can’t be the best mother I can be to my children. Why? Because I am tired and I lack energy, that’s why! It means, my patience has already been pushed to the absolute MAXIMUM! But why should my children have to suffer the consequences of your selfish actions? How is this fair?
I soon learned not to antagonise you. I was messing with the wrong people. These people think it’s okay to terrorise the vulnerable.
You see, the lady who lives on the opposite side, who you’ve been continuously terrorising. Yes, the one you threatened to throw a brick through her window. Yes, the one you told you were going to kill. She has recently become a widow. She is the same age as me. Her husband was just 29 when he suffered a heart attack and collapsed dead on the cold concrete of a gym car park. The lady you have been terrorising, now lives on her own with her two-year-old daughter. She no longer has a strong man to fight this battle you have started. She no longer has someone to wrap their arms around her and tell her she’s safe. She no longer has anyone to wrap their big strong hands around your scrawny little neck!
Unlike you, her husband wouldn’t have scooped so low.
You see, her husband was an honourable man. He was a highly respectable marine, serving our country. He had a bright future. He had the rest of his life in front of him. It’s incidents like this when I question; how is this fair? A guy with a bright future ahead of him dies, and yet, you bunch of wasters are frivoling away your life, getting high and terrorising people for entertainment. Do you have a job? Let me rephrase that, do you have a job that doesn’t implicate peddling drugs? Stupid question. Have you ever had a job? Stupid question.
Don’t you ever wake up and want more from your pathetic little life? I can see I am wasting my time here. In ten, twenty or even thirty years (if you live that long!) you’ll look back on all the terrible things you have done. You’ll look back at all those wasted years and question: Where did my life go? Yes, when you are sat in a prison cell for the 35th time, shackles around your ankles, eating cold porridge, it’ll suddenly dawn on you…you are nothing more than a wild animal, and the safest place for you is locked in this cage!
But underneath this tough exterior…wait a minute you’re about 5’7 and weight 115lbs…. facade would be the more appropriate term, we all know you like nothing more than to listen to a bit of Justin Bieber, full blast and on loop. Oh and was that Celion Dion’s ‘My heart will go on’ you were singing at the top your voice the other night? Yes, my cheeks were embarrassed for you!
But why are we so intimated? I know you have a pair of lungs on you, and your vocabulary mainly consists of profanities, but I’ve seen you in the flesh and I can tell you, you a no Rocky! You actually remind me of that character from Lord of the rings…what’s his name? Oh, that’s right, Golum. Hunched backed and scrawny. Your body language resembles that of an encaged chimp. In fact, this is an insult to chimps – I rather like chimps! You, on the other hand, are another breed all on its own.
Let me step into your crazy drug-infused mind for one moment…
For under the angst, the defensiveness, the egocentrism… lies an innocent child who never grew up. He wasn’t taught the fundamentals in life. He wasn’t taught right from wrong. He wasn’t taught self-respect. He wasn’t taught to respect others. His parents failed him. The education system failed him. EVERYONE failed him. Unfortunately, this chain effect is becoming normality. Children are creating children, how can they ever grow up? But this is not Never Never Land. This land is haunted with dark secrets and immorality.
I cry for the children being dragged up into such a dysfunction existence. I mourn for the lost childhoods. If a grown woman cries herself to sleep because she is scared. I question, how will your future children feel? Will they too, become trapped in this vicious cycle? Will they too, settle for a man who beats them black and blue? Will they, too, think it’s acceptable to disrespect innocent people trying to go about their everyday lives?
I tried reasoning with you, but I was fighting a lost cause. I mean, how can you reason with the unreasonable? The answer: I can’t. Where does this leave me? Heck knows…but you’re getting evicted in August, and I’m preparing my happy dance!
Until then, you can expect some sleepless nights and sleepless mornings! I’m going to show you what ‘real’ music is…twice as loud and twice as proud. Mother f*****s!
PS; I was going to post this through your door. This would be a waste of time because I know you’re illiterate. Therefore, I’ve decided to go VIRAL instead – I want EVERYONE to know what complete and utter dickheads you are!
PSS; For being such good neighbours, I’ve got a couple of treats for you.
And so begins the conveyor belt of treats…
*A years supply of nicotine patches *Some soap and water (to wash out those dirty mouths!)
*Some lessons in etiquette *An invitation to appear on Jeremy Kyle (somehow, I think counselling would be a waste of time!) *An idiots guide to English *Some braces for your trousers…The ‘arse-over-trouser’ isn’t a good look!
And I’ve saved the best for last…
*A Justin Bieber cd.
PSSS: Don’t take the album title too literally. I really DO want to LET YOU GO!
Your extremely pissed off Neighbours (Meaning everyone in the street!)
Here’s to everyone who has had the displeasure of living next to the neighbour from hell – THIS ONES for you! Feel free to share your personal experiences below, and if you have any tips on revenge (preferably legal ones!) feel free to add them too!