How many times have we said “That’s it, I’ve had enough of you, Facebook. I can’t tolerate you anymore. You’ve got to go!”  Only, as we hover over the deactivate button, we can’t quite bring ourselves to press it?

 

marmite

 

Facebook is like Marmite, you either love it or hate it with a passion. Whether we relish every mouthful and yearn for more, or push it to the back of our store cupboards to consume when there’s nothing better to eat – marmite, or rather, Facebook – is always going to be a part of our lives, whether we choose to indulge or not. Let’s face it, even us loathers still have an activated Facebook account because we aren’t quite ready to cut the strings. But why is Facebook so infectious? And why does it dominate the lives of so many?

An intellectual dude called Mark Zuckerberg, along with the help of his college roommates, created Facebook in 2004. Initially it was for the use of students at Harvard University, and in time, developed across a few other prestigious universities. As the word began to spread fast, Facebook was eventually taken over by ‘us’ everyday folk.

 

A recipe for disaster?

 

Not quite, As Facebook grew in popularity, so did Mark Zuckerberg’s pockets. In September 2012, Facebook had over a staggering one billion active users. Furthermore, Zuckerberg was titled, not only one the wealthiest but also most influential people in the world.

Facebook has made its stamp across the world. It has become so integral to people’s lives we can barely function without it. As much as Facebook rules the world, it has also unleashed a multitude of bugbears. From humble bragging to pesky game requests, it has become something of a Love/hate relationship. As our finger hovers over the deactivate button, let’s ask ourself …won’t we miss it? Just a little?

Hmm, let’s see….

 

10 Things I Hate About Facebook

 

1: TAGBOOK

facebook tagbook
 

Mortifying evidence of the night before

 
Take yourselves back for a moment. You wake up in the morning, check your phone and see 69 new notifications. As flashbacks from last night’s house party begin to fill your head, you reluctantly scan through image after mortifying image. Whether it’s evidence that you did indeed kiss a bearded lady or, even more cringe worthy, a photo of you flat out on the dance floor surrounded by your own vomit. Panic begins to brew inside and you frantically try to delete the evidence. Only, it turns out you haven’t got permission to delete any of these images.

 

And cue the panic-stricken messages to your naughty happy-snapping friend, or ex-friend, as the case might be.

 
 

“You NEED to delete that photo of me humping a car bonnet, immediately!”

“Delete, Delete, Delete”

“I can’t believe you took a photo of me urinating in the street. Delete it right now!”

“My husband is going to FREAK THE F*** out if he sees this pic of me making out with his cousin! Take it down before I take you the F*** down!”

 

So if photographic evidence of the night before isn’t bad enough, there’s a video of you straddling a cow whilst singing the Irish national anthem and waving your arms like you’re doing the rodeo hoedown.

facebook irish hat

 

Caught Off Gaurd 

 

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There’s always that one unfortunate person who gets caught off guard in every damn photo! There’s only so many times, they can use “I’m not asleep, I’m just resting my eyes”, “I just sneezed” or “It’s not me, it’s you’re your poor photography skills” as an excuse. If you haven’t got your eyes closed, your mouth open or your nose scrunched, it’ll be a nip-slip or an exposed bottom. Note to self: wear a paper bag at all times!

 

The Photo Bomber 

 

photo bomb

 
Worse still, they’re what we call the Photo Bombers. How many times have we been tagged in the background of the random photo of a friend of a friend of a Facebook friend? Caught off guard with a bewildered look on our face, we cry upon our keyboards as we discover YET AGAIN we have NO permission to untag ourselves. Note to that friend of a friend of a Facebook friend: If you don’t know me, please don’t tag me in your photos…Unless I look fabulous, then, by all means, be my guest!

 

2: BRAGBOOK

 
10 THINGS bragbook

 

There’s nothing worse than the ‘bragger’…no wait! Let me rephrase, there is nothing worse than a ‘humble bragger’. Whether your Facebook friends (or shall we use the term acquaintances?) brags are disguised in a medley of beat-around-the-bush or they’re a straight-to-the-point-no-messing-around brag, we either find ourselves rolling our eyes in frustration or turning a brighter shade of envy.

 

The perfect life

 
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Let’s face it, no one has a perfect life. People might think they do, but life – as we know – is full of ups and downs. Even the rich and the famous have their fair share of bad days. However, the Facebook bragger will paint a very different story, with their overexposed statuses about their perfect jobs, perfect children, perfect relationships and, to top it all off, their perfect bodies. But STOP! Before you reach for that Kristy crème doughnut and cry into your pillow once again, remember most of these people are fraudsters, over-exaggerators and if they haven’t yet been unfriended, everyone else will be thinking the same as you! – “Oh, will you just shove those Lamborghini pictures up your *you fill in the gap*”

 

Humble brag: Feeling so blessed #PerfectLife

Plain old brag: Yeah! I’m not gonna lie. My life is great! #GreatLifeGreatGuy

 
What I’m hearing: My life is better than yours, nah nah nah nah!

 

 

The perfect job

 

Whilst us average Joes are trying to make ends meet, Perfect Pete has pulled his bragging pants on and has just landed himself a once in a lifetime job opportunity. How do I know this? I mean, I haven’t seen him since high school! It’s spewed up all over my Facebook newsfeed, that’s how! What’s more, he rubs it in further by revealing his weekly wage matches my annual income. “Oh, how the half live” I groan, contemplating a career change!
 
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Whether our Facebook peers have landed themselves a job working for Ralph Lauren, or are embarking upon a successful modelling career. Maybe they have just completed a degree in brain surgery, or are set to be the next prime minister? Let’s have one more eye roll for the road, and congratulate these smart arses high achievers. What’s this? A new status saying they have just bought a new Ferrari to celebrate, 50 photos to follow! Scrap that! Where’s the unfriend button?

 

Humble brag: All my hard work has paid off. Say hello to DOCTOR Foster #soproud #saynotopuddles

Plain old brag: Oh! What to do… Brain surgeon? Banker? Astronaut? I have a masters in all three. #toomanychoices #toofrickenawesome

 
What I’m hearing: My job is better than yours…nah nah nah nah nah!

 

The perfect body

 

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It’s been 5 months since Christmas and we’re still struggling to shift the bulge around our midriff. We have made numerous failed attempts to fight the flab, and yet, we feel we are getting nowhere fast. How about some thinspiration? Look no further than Facebook. You’ll be sure to find a display of super buff bodies. With captions like “5-hour workout, I’m stoked” #soworthit” and cue the photographic evidence to follow. With torsos so stiff you could iron a shirt upon them, we can only dream of owning such an amazing bodies. I mean, who has 5 hours in a day to work out? Do these people have jobs? If it’s not a display of perfectly aligned abdominals’, it’ll be the famous ‘squat’ position, complete with caption #shesquatsbro, or for you male squatters #Squatslikeapro. The squat position is not a flattering one, even if you do have the arse of Jlo.  What is sexy about seeing one bent over and ready to lay an egg? The squat should be kept locked in a private gym, or where it originated, during labour!

 

Humble brag: I’ve still got a long way to go, but I’m getting there. #stillawaytogo

Plain old brag: I’m ripped as f***, man! #hotbodyalert

 
What I’m hearing: My body is better than yours…nah nah nah nah nah!

 

facebook donuts yummy

 

Still a way to go? Still a way to go? Judging by the midriff pictures which have invaded my news feed, you have more guns than a military campaign! Not to mention an EIGHT pack, and I’m not referring to beer! As we reach for a can of ‘depressed about our body’, we can but wish we could look this way  could witness the day their metabolisms finally pack up, along with their six packs. A fantasy unravels in our heads: we’ll greet them in the cake aisle of the supermarket, doughnut in hand and a “Yeah, shoot me…. I’ve let myself go” expression upon their sugar-coated faces.

 

….and back to reality.

 

We may find it infuriating, however, these guys obviously put in a lot of hours to look so amazingly toned. Suddenly, we’re one more torso pic away from signing up to a gym membership, sitting comfortably at the bottom of our bin, along with the multiple fast food boxes. Or there’s always our trusty friend, ‘unfriend’ button?

 

The Perfect Parents/kids

 

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We all know parenthood is more swings and roundabouts than picnics in the park. However, there seems to be a growing army of Super Parents making themselves known, and making us ‘good enough’ parents feel ever more inadequate. With their homemade baby food concoctions and their organic clothing lines, it’s impossible to compete. After a tough day being run ragged by our children, we log onto Facebook to find an assortment of Enid Blyton-esque images. With enough infectious smiles and laughter to make Scrooges head spontaneously combust, we start to feel a bit sick in our throats!

 

Humble brag: My Miya moo moo chops can use the potty whilst singing opera and playing the violin. #proudparent

Plain old brag: My precious bi-lingual darling impresses me more with each day. She’s not only has an IQ of 122 and a degree in potty training but she’s only gone and got herself a free pass to Harvard. My little girl is moving onto great things! #presidentinthemaking

 
What I’m hearing: My children are better than yours…nah nah nah nah nah!

 

Like Sardines in a Can

And yes, this is the same precious darling, whom has already been awarded her black belt in karate and is fluent in Mandarin! And yes, she’s only 3 years old! WHAT? This woman wasn’t lying when she said eating sardines every 5 minutes during pregnancy increases the unborn baby’s brain function. Now, before you all reach for a tin of sardines, the above example was just a fabrication. However, the sad truth is, there ARE parents out there, EQUALLY as intense!

Of course, we all want what’s best for our children, but wrapping them up in cotton wool and hiding them away from the less ‘privileged’ children, will surely have a long-lasting effect on their psyche.
 

Child: *crying* “No one wants to play with me because I like to do math equations for fun and I smell like a sardine!”.

Parent: “Yes, darling but at least it looks good on my Facebook page…now play that damned piano before I shove this tin of Sardines down your throat!”

 
Hold up, before you call the Child Protection line. The precious darling in my story doesn’t exist. She doesn’t exist because no one is what we define as perfect. Perfection is nothing but a notion. So fear not, we are ALL doing a great job. Sardines or no sardines!

 

The perfect relationships

 

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Yuck! Not another mills and boon explosion upon our screen! There’s only so much tongue in throat one can tolerate! I know you guys love each other dearly, but there’s no need to capture your every moment spent together. Can’t you just jump out of each other’s pocket for one moment, so I can eat my sandwich without the risk of heaving?

 

Humble brag: I love my baby so much. You are my best friend, my soul mate, my everything #bestboyfriendever

Plain old brag: Hey Everyone! We’ve just been voted best couple in upmyownarse magazine! Check out our 33 page spread. We look amazing/stunning/gorgeous! Love you forever, Mr perfect pants.*Cue the hearts*

 
What I’m hearing: My relationship is better than yours…nah nah nah nah nah!

 

So we’ve watched the deeply in love couple travel through a whirlwind romance, frolic on deserted beaches after deserted beaches, make love for the first time, get married and have a baby. It’s been emotional guys, but sadly, the home video of your wife giving birth #Shesquatsbro was the tipping point and I have no other option than to…unfriend you. I won’t miss your public displays of affection, nor will I miss your sickly sweet messages of love and admiration for one another. Not forgetting the cheesy nicknames you call each other. So I bid you farewell, Sugar puff. Adios, Penguin Pants. I hope you enjoy the rest of your perfect lives together.

Two weeks later Sugar puff and Penguin pants declared their divorce. Turns out penguin pants had his hands in someone else’s pants – and sugar puff? She ran off with the Honey Monster.

 

The perfect job …tick

The perfect children…tick

The perfect relationship…tick

The perfect body…tick

So there we have it, 100% perfection, clogging up our Facebook feed.

 

Wait a minute! Who called the fraud brigade?

 

For the worst culprit of all is … The Perfect Pretender.

 

The Perfect Pretender

 

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The perfect pretender has a carefully constructed profile which can lead us all to believe they have a perfect life. The Perfect Pretender will fill their Facebook with glamorous holiday snapshots and audacious displays of wealth. The Perfect Pretender will check-in at interesting places, and appear to go to every event and social gathering going. If this isn’t enough to turn our faces hulk green, then perhaps their 4500 Facebook friends will? Come on! Unless you’re adding every Tom, Dick, Harry and random on the bus, it’s unlikely you’ll acquire this many friends in a lifetime.

Behind the Facebook facade, lies a shadow of the person they appear to be. In real life, they can count their friends on one hand. In real life, they live in a two-up-two-down. In real life, they have barely two pennies to rub together.

 

Humble brag: I feel so blessed. I want to say a big thank you to my 100,000 followers! Here’s to the next 100,000 🙂 #soblessed

Plain old brag: There aren’t enough hours in the day. Got my modelling shoot in Mexico tomorrow. Flying to Peru on Tuesday. Going to the Belle’s Ball on Thursday. Beauty pageant on Friday. Partying with the celebs on Saturday and Sunday. Oh my! When did life get so busy? #toomuchtodonotenoughtime

 
What I’m hearing: I’m better than you…nah nah nah nah nah!

 

3: FAKEBOOK

 
10 THINGS 5

 

 Fraudulent smiles and a whole lotta blessed people

 

facebook ecard funny

 

It’s only natural to feel a little deflated as we scroll through Facebook’s sea of fraudulence. In fact, there was a period when I hadn’t been on Facebook for almost 9 months. I couldn’t face the happy families, perfect relationships and “I am so blessed”. If anything, it made me feel even worse about my own life. Why wasn’t I this happy? Why wasn’t my relationship working? Why don’t I have this picture-perfect life? But as I looked a little closer, I couldn’t help but question; Are these smiles a true reflection of how things are? Behind closed doors, we know it’s a different story. After all, no one’s life is picture perfect.

We all know Lucy Loves her life is hiding behind the massive smile she presents to the world. Every other status is a contradiction to how things really are. Behind closed doors, she is nursing a broken heart, with only her cats for company.

Behind closed doors, we can tell the Mills and Boon’ façade is more ‘Mills and Gloom’. The montage of smiles, kisses and dancing under the stars only show one side of what appears to be the Perfect relationship. Beneath the romantic picnics and wining and dining, we learn Davina Deeply in love’s husband has been unfaithful. Who would have thought it? It was only yesterday she was quoting love poems and posting pictures of them in loves embrace.

It turns out Popular Pete isn’t so popular after all. Behind his 3500+ Facebook friends, is a lonely guy longing for true companionship. It turns out Perfect Parent Polly isn’t so perfect either. As we pass her by in the supermarket, we see her struggling to control her ‘precious babycakes’ in the confectionary aisle. Hey Polly, do you remember these little brags?

 

Perfect Parent Polly: My child never has tantrums!

Perfect Parent Polly: I’d NEVER allow my child to eat E numbers.

 

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One for the facebook album?

 

So as you can see, we all tell a couple of white lies from time to time. We all fabricate the truth. Who wants to admit their marriage is failing? Who wants to confess they have no friends? Not me! Is there any wonder we are escaping reality to live out our dream lives on social media sites?

What’s more worrying is the fact that approximately 9% of Facebook’s one billion active users are actually fake. Next time you get a dodgy friend request… think twice about accepting!

 

catfish ecard
 

Oh cool, I want to be friends with a CATFISH…Oh! Wait a minute…

 

4: ANNOYBOOK
 
10 THING 3

 

The Attention Seeker

 

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The attention seeker. With their often cryptic and woe is me Facebook statuses, they sure keep us on our toes. If it isn’t creating drama, it’s being the drama queen herself. As long as they remain the centre of attention, all is well. As soon as the attention is lost, the following happens…

 

The attention seeker: Worst feeling ever…

 

The attention seeker likes to keep us guessing. Worst feeling? What’s happened? Are you okay? These are all standard responses. Half an hour later, and on the edge of our seats, the attention seeker simply says “I don’t want to talk about it!”

And so the comments stop flowing in, and yet we’re all anticipating what’s wrong with our fellow Facebooker. Well, that is until we stop caring 5 minutes later. But then wait! What’s this?

 

The attention seeker: So angry right now!!!

 

And cue the floods of comments; What’s happened? Speak to me, babe! Is everything alright?

Waiting in suspense for the next hour, the attention seeker simply replies “I can’t talk about it!”.

It’s five minutes to midnight, and we are still none-the-wiser as to what’s upset our friend.

After numerous attention-grabbing status updates…Finally, someone bravely writes “Oh come on! Just tell us ready!”

 

The attention seeker: I broke my nail. Just had them done. #gutted

 

And…*UNFRIEND*

 

The Constant Complainer

 

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Ever experienced toothache? It hurts so much you can’t focus on anything but the persistent ache in your jaw? This aching jaw can be likened to the constant complaints which clog up our Facebook feed on a daily basis. The culprit: The Constant Complainer. These bee-infested bonnet-wearers, not only leak melancholy over our Facebook walls but over our faces too. Forever to turn a smile upside-down, there isn’t a moment when these guys take a break from their constant groaning! And so the pain goes on…

 

The constant complainer: I’m going to kill my neighbours if their dog barks one more time!

 

GROAN WHINGE GRUMBLE

 

The constant complainer: £10 to park at the hospital #whatajoke

 

GROAN WHINGE GRUMBLE

 

The constant complainer: To the cold callers who thought it was funny to knock on the door and run away #growthefuckup

 

GROAN WHINGE GRUMBLE

 

The constant complainer: Just got shat on by a pigeon. #notmyday

 

….Yeah! Fair point. Those pesky pigeons really get my goat too!

 

If you’re British, then it’s in our nature to complain. Bloody weather! F***ing Chavs! Oh bugger off, I don’t want to give money to your sodding charity! However, a grumble should be kept to a weekly rant or a monthly moan, not every minute of the day. Yo! Mr Grumble, pop your problems in your pocket and give us back our smiles!

 

The Philosopher

 

The Philosopher, the elder, the wise owl, the mysterious one. Call them what you will, but can you PLEASE stop clogging up my newsfeed with your philosophical crap. No, we don’t need a quote a day to lead happy, fulfilling lives.

 

How to spot a philosopher?

 

Mysterious being: For every dark night, there’s a brighter day – Tupac

Comment: True!

Mysterious being: Life always offers you a second chance, it’s called tomorrow!

Comment: True!

Mysterious being: love thy neighbour.

Comment: Love thy neighbour…LOVE THY NEIGHBOUR? Have you ever met my neighbours? How could I possibly love these people, when they insist on playing their loud and, quite frankly, s***, music into the early hours of the morning? Tell me, oh wise one!

The philosopher: Don’t find fault, find remedy.

Comment: Hmm, okay. I’ll post fish heads through their door! Thanks for the heads up #excusethepun

 

Philosopher, please step away from the fortune cookies! Tell us who is really under that mysterious cape…or be gone!

And with that, he was never to be seen again. All that remained was a Chinese takeaway box…no fortune cookie in sight.

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The Ranter

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So everyone who knows me will be aware of the fact I love a good old fashioned rant. There’s something therapeutic about getting those niggles off your chest. However, if you’re going to pursue a rant, please do it with dignity. How many times have we CRINGED in embarrassment, as we read some long-winded misspelt rant about a topic with no substance? The answer: Too many times!

Example 1: I h8 pea’s I do. I f***ing h8 pea’s. There all green and mushy and disgusting like.

 
*Note the poor punctuation and misuse of grammar.
 
This is a classic example of a rant with no substance. There is no evidence to back up why peas are so displeasing, other than the fact that they are green and mushy.
 

Example 2: i fink dat if u ain’t from dis country u shan’t be ere! Innit.

 
I’m sorry, but anyone who uses the term ‘innit’ is getting unfriended. Not to mention the sheer ignorance of your status…Where’s the ‘You talk utter bullshit, let’s throw YOU out of the country’ button?
 

Example 3: I love the sun and warmth so much………but I wish all the chavs would keep their tops on while walking around town. No one wants to see your pale skin and shit tattoos mate!

…Yeah! So this kid’s got a point. Cover those beer guts guys!

 

The joker

 

You know what they say, a joke a day keeps the clowns away! However, there’s always one joker who likes to abuse the power of laughter. In their minds, they’re hilarious, and yet their 50 jokes a day fall upon deaf ears. Take the hint: You’re just not that funny!

 

“But what about my joke about the carrot and the three horsemen?”

Nope!

“The one about the wise men and the kiwi fruit?”

Nope!

“The pineapple and three bears?”

 

No! It’s time to burn the joke books and join the clowns at jokoholics anonymous.

 

The Laundry Airers

 

It’s almost impossible to log onto Facebook without seeing an array of peoples laundry airing in our faces. As we remove the y-fronts from over our eyes, we are bombarded by people openly talking about their failing marriages, archenemies and even their sex lives!

 

Airing laundry Facebook

 

No! Sally-shags-a-lot, we don’t want to hear about your one night stand. Too late! That g-sting already thwhacked me hard in the face. A telephone booth. Such class! Oh please stop Postnatal Polly! No one wants to know about your collapsing pelvic floor. Should’ve kept that one to yourself! Barbie and ken, make peace, not war! No, I haven’t gone hippy, I’m just sick of the continuous dialogue taking over my newsfeed. Barbie, get those crabs sorted…Ken, stop wearing woman’s clothing. Problem solved! Where’s my paycheck? Sandra, I don’t want to hear another word about your husband’s new dentures, nor do I want to hear graphic details about your recent vaginoplasty. You may as we’ll hold up a megaphone and shout it to the world…Oh, you have already? My apologies.

Although entertaining, many people cross the line of what is acceptable. What happened to a bit of privacy? Why do people feel the need to document their every move? “Hey, I’m just taking a s***!” <- is this our future? When will the line be drawn? And when will the undergarments go back where they belong…into a drawer, away from the prying eyes of the public. It has become something of the norm to speak so openly about what goes on behind closed door. Or perhaps, I’ve become a prude?

 

The hippy mamma’s

 

Organic baby food…check!

Au natural bathing products….check!

Breastfeeding on tap…check!

Soothing whale music…check!

Nappies made of bamboo leaves…okay perhaps not! But if they could, they most probably would!

 

Those, a little on the eccentric side, hippy mamma’s have sicked up on my newsfeed. If it isn’t on-going discussions on ‘natural bubbling’ ingredients for their honey and oat bath-creme concoction, it’ll be videos of mother and baby doing yoga in the park. I have nothing against the hippy mamma, but the constant posts on breastfeeding and the how-to guides on making organic yoghurts can get wearing after a while. I mean, how many yoghurts can be made with strictly natural ingredients?

 

Hippy mamma: strawberry, wild berry and raisin, blueberry and pomegranate, raspberry and …

 

I’m sorry I asked!

 

How to spot a Hippy mamma?

 

Hippy mamma: Drinking placenta smoothie. Surprisingly refreshing! #wastenotwantnot

Hippy mamma: Moon bean and Poppy seed are suckling at my bosoms. #justsaying

Hippy mamma: The whales are singing! This must mean only one thing ladies…IT IS BABY YOGA TIME!

Hippy mamma: Breastfeeding my 6-year-old son is so rewarding #breastisbest #noshame

Hippy mamma: Check out my eco-naps! Made from bamboo leaves and flower stalks. 100% natural!

 

Oh no she didn’t?!

 

Step away from the placenta juice! Or at least, stop writing about it. My stomach is still feeling a little tender after the baby poo chart you posted two hours previously.

 

The Checker-inners

 

*Yawns* Now, unless you lead a fun-packed, adventure-seeking life, the check-in is pretty uninteresting for your fellow Facebooker. I’m afraid no one cares if you check in at your 3rd bus station of the week. Did you want a round of an applause? A pat on the back? A medal of honour? As these guys check into their fifth train station of the week, we CHECK OUT!

 

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And then we get the opposite end of the spectrum with the check check check – into my amazing life everyone! Otherwise known as The Check-in Bragger. The check-in brag will involve checking into exciting destinations, be it a paradise island or Vegas! As they check-in to yet another amazing destination, our faces grow green with envy and we find our fingers hovering over the ‘unfriend’ button.
 
Henry just checked-in at the Taj Mahal

Henry just checked-in at the Great Barrier Reef

Henry just checked-in at the Great Wall of china

Henry just checked-in at Grand Canyon

What is this? How many of the 7 wonders of the world can visit in a week? Give us a break Henry and check OUT.
 

Oh forget it… *UNFRIEND*

 

 …And The Crazy Cat Lady

 

Last but not least we have the crazy cat lady. These cats live like kings. Caviar and cuddles on tap, and blue suede booties more expensive than our entire wardrobe! Talking of wardrobes, Prince Pussy has an outfit for every occasion! How do I know this? We have daily snapshots from Mad mamma herself.

 

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funny cat costumes6666

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and one more…

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Hilarious cat outfits aside, we begin to question Cat lady’s psychological being. As she cradles this big ball of fluff in her arms, pushes it around in a pram and changes its nappy…we wonder if she has mistaken this furry creature for an actual baby? Every other status update is cat related.

 

Crazy cat lady: Oh my babykins turns 1 tomorrow. Made a cake for the special occasion… Love you, baby boy. #onceyougocatyoudontgoback

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Crazy cat lady: There’s nothing I like more than stroking my pussy….cat!

Oh but it doesn’t stop there…. The cat jumpers, don’t forget the cat jumpers!

facebook 25 I wonder if they do this in my size?

 

 5: BATTLEBOOK 

 
10 THINGS 7

 

The Battle of Lovers

 

The Hot and Colder’s

 

We all know that couple who are more Hot and cold than a Katy Perry song. One minute they’re posting sickly sweet photos of themselves, tongues down throat being all in love. The next minute they have their hands wrapped around each other’s throats and so begins a battle of ‘the most hurtful insults’. This common case of love bipolar can be seen across Facebook with statuses such as;

 

Yesterday: I love my baby so much, you bring happiness to my heart *Cue the multiple heart emoticon*

Today: Go to Hell, you arsehole. I hate you with the depths of my heart. I hope you fall on a spike and die.

OR

10.00 PM: Everyone. I just want you to know that I am getting MARRIED to the love of my life this summer. Gosh, I love you so much. #weddingoftheyear

10.20 PM: The wedding is OFF! #whatwedding?

 

The subliminal messenger

 

And then you get those less obvious digs when the arguing couple just quotes deep and meaningful song lyrics and leave the audience to analyse in suspense.

An example;
 

Bonnie: I wish I could gather all my tears so I can drown you in them.

Clyde: Don’t stop believing…hold on to that feeling!

 

Romeo: Cause I know that you’re living a lie. That’s okay baby, ’cause in time you will find what goes around, goes around, goes around, comes all the way back around.

Juliet: Because maybe. You’re gonna be the one that saves me. And after all. You’re my wonderwall.

 

SUMMERY

 
Are you Hot or you cold? Are you Yes or you No? Are you in or you out? Before we pick up the phone to call that Love doctor, we ask ourselves…do we really care? Can you just leave him already, and shut the heck up!

Frenemies

 
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Friend or foe? We ask ourselves, as we witness a string of confusing exchanges between the once-best-friends-now-not-so-good-friends. One minute they are tagging each other in heartfelt memes, the next minute, the cat claws are out and they are a tin of whiskers away from clawing each other’s eyeballs out. Now unless you want crazy cat lady to squeeze you into one of her knitted turtlenecks, you better put those claws away…FAST! Will you just kiss and make up already? But just as we think they are BFF’s once again. One of the friends has done the unforgivable and UNFRIENDED the other! This must be serious! *Five minutes later* Oh no…everybody breathe! They are facebook friends again.
 

Ex wars

 
You thought the frenemies were bad. Well, think again. An ex war has begun! You can expect an explosion of angry threats, melodramatic statuses and revenge. When we see a status change from “in a relationship” to “single”, it is foreseeable that another nasty break up will unravel in front of our very eyes. Who need’s soap operas when we can secretly enjoy the real deal on facebook?

Example 1:

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Oh Jamie, you naughty boy! Now Jamie has been named and shamed, as well as, irresponsibly condom dodging, his chances of getting a girlfriend (ever again!) have dramatically fallen. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot. Chlamydia anyone? *The world goes quiet* Thought not.

Example 2:

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Once the tears have dried, it’s time to fire up the old BBQ and watch that cheating scumbags’ belongings rise into flames…But wait a minute, let’s just take some snaps and post them up on Facebook.

 

*Whilst Jane is busy uploading the photographic evidence and thinking up a witty caption, there seems to be an inferno taking over her back yard. Someone better phone the fire brigade!

 

 

So, the bonfire snapshots went down like a….. errrr…..garden on fire! Which is why we are now staring at the nether regions of some random. Oh no she didn’t? Yeah! She just did. The more degrading the shot, the better. But as Justin Timberlake once sang, “What comes around, goes around”. The next day we see numerous x-rated images plastered over our news-feed. Thanks guys! I think I’ll give breakfast a miss this morning.

 

6: I LOVE MY FACE…BOOK

 
10 THINGS 6
 

 The Serial Selfie Taker

 

We all know that ‘happy to snappy’ someone. There’s always an occasion to take a selfie. A sneaky snap at the driving wheel almost ends in death, as Selfie Samantha doesn’t feel quite content with the first, and opts for a retake. Note to Samantha: keep your damn EYES on the road!!! Then we get the bathroom selfie, complete with someone having a *you fill in the gap*, in the background. Selfie Sophie is so busy admiring her beautiful self, she hadn’t noticed.

 

Comment: Hey Soph, who’s that taking a sh** in the background?

 

Let’s just say, Sophie’s boyfriend was NOT too happy!

Selfie Sally likes to opt for the more risqué type of photo, only the sex appeal is lost when we realise her child is playing in the background. Sally, instead of taking selfie after selfie, how about you see to your son? Looks like he has invaded your underwear drawer! Whilst Sally is scalding her son for using her panties as a catapult, Selfie Sid, has taken 150 shots of what seems to be the same picture. Oh, wait a minute, in photo 57 his eyebrow is slightly arched. A game of spot the difference, anyone?

You see, the selfie can become addictive. Before we know it, we’ve posted 20 selfies and it’s only 8.30am. #justwokeup #Breakfastselfie #showerselfie #outitoftheday the list goes on…

 

The profile picture extremist

 

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There’s always one Facebook friend who changes their profile pic several times a day. Never content, we see profile pic, after profile, pic after, profile pic. This woman must have a photo studio in her living room, or perhaps just a sneaky session in Photoshop. This dude obviously doesn’t work. A new profile photo change every hour. Of course, these serial selfies don’t want people to know they are in love with themselves, and therefore, delete the evidence by keeping to a 30 profile picture limit (30 is acceptable!) – There’s no hiding the truth, it’s plastered over our newsfeed! 20 profile pics in one day is somewhat obsessive. Step away from the camera!

 

The like for liker

 

So we’ve had the Serial Selfie Taker and the Profile Picture Extremist. However, the one that really gets my goat, is the Like for liker. Why do we take selfies? Do we take them because we feel good about ourselves? Do we take them as a memoir of our experience? Or do we take them for recognition and popularity? If the latter, you might be on a dangerous path of ego-cleansing. Most of us have had a new hairstyle or colour and thought “Yeah, I look good. I’ll post a selfie”…but the like for liker has an ulterior motive, and takes selfies purely to gain more likes. The more likes, the more self-worth they feel. Well, this doesn’t sound so bad?

 

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Once caught in this selfie cycle, it’s hard to escape. The selfie taker will grow accustomed to a certain percentage of likes and comments. If the selfie is a flop, this could have a damaging effect on selfie taker. Why didn’t I get many likes? Do people think I’m ugly? The popularity drug is an addictive one. Once we’ve had a taste of recognition, we crave more. Before we know it, we are feeding this addiction by taking selfies on an hour to hour basis and wasting the hours in between liking other peoples photos to gain likes ourselves. Before we know it, it has taken over our lives. The sad truth is, the amount of likes are NOT a true reflection of how popular/good looking/successful you are…because you know damned well there’s a cat picture with 100 times more likes than yours…and No, it’s not the famous grumpy cat!

It is common to find the glorified and, often Photoshopped, images dominating our screens are also an inaccurate reflection of how the person may look in reality. In real life, there are no filters. In real life, we can’t airbrush away our imperfections. But hey! What’s wrong with keeping it real and being ourselves?

 

Selfies aside, we have The Serial Photographer.

 

Foodographer

 

No, Freddie Foodographer we don’t want to see your every meal.

Freddie: But it’s artistic!

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I’m sorry, but there’s nothing artistic about a fatty fried breakfast, no matter how much ketchup you splash over it!

 

Randomographer

 

Caption: Here’s a photo I took of my big toe.

Comment: 50 likes? 50 likes for a picture of your big toe? How can this be?

Caption: Here’s a photo I took of my iris.

Comment: Oh, just what I wanted to see! #excusethepun

Caption: Here’s a photo of my half eaten sandwich.

Comment: Hmm, very appetising.

Caption: Here’s a photo I took of a dead bird on the side of the road.

Comment: Yeah, okay. That’s just weird!

 

What about a beautiful sunset?

What about a colourful rainbow?

Oh heck, I’ll even take another selfie…but a dead bird! A dead bird!

 

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And cue the *unfriend*

 

The hashtag whore

 

And the most infuriating hashtag award goes to *Drum roll*

 

Runner up:

 

#nomakeupselfie

Since when did no makeup mean nude lipstick and false eyelashes? You can trick us all you like, we all know you have a full face of carefully disguised makeup. Not forgetting, the filter – Yes, a splash of Instagram’s Nashville can washout anyone’s imperfections.

 

Winner:

 

#nofilter

Come on, guys! When we wake up in the morning, we don’t look as perfect as your photo suggests. Since when was #bedhairdontcare, cute? When it took you two hours to achieve – that’s when!

 

Selfies, love them or hate them. Unless hell freezes over, there’s just no escaping them!

 

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7: Punch YOU ation BOOK

 
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 What’s more annoying than bad punctuation and offensive grammar?

 

The answer: The smart Alec (AKA Grammar nazi) who swoops in and gives out unwanted tips on punctuation, grammar and spelling.

It’s common to make mistakes as we write, especially when we are in the flow of writing one of our masterpieces. So, we don’t need some smarty pants to come along and degrade our writing by listing our grammatical errors.

 

Smart Alec: it’s ‘you’re’ not ‘your’.

Smart Alec: it’s ‘who’ not ‘that’.

Smart Alec: it’s ‘which’ not ‘that’.

Smart Alec: it’s ‘whom’ not ‘who’.

 
Smart Alec: Just an FYI. The word “envy” implies a longing for someone else’s good fortunes. “Jealousy” is far more nefarious. It’s a fear of rivalry, often present in sexual situations. “Envy” is when you covet your friend’s good looks. “Jealousy” is what happens when your significant other swoons over your good-looking friend.

 

Excuse me one moment….

 

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A grammar tip too far, and smart Alec is taken to the ground.

Oh, how we wish we could do this! However, this proves slightly problematic when he lives the other side of the country. Looks like it’s time to pull out the *unfriend*

 

8: FRAPEBOOK

 
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Frape, quite possibly the most irritating prank of all time. The horror we experience as we log onto our Facebook and find someone has boycotted our status update with something truly obscene. If it isn’t a false pregnancy alarm, a birthday come early or a cheeky profile pic change. It’ll be something mortifyingly grotesque.

 

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There is nothing funny about being ‘fraped’…. and cue the tumbleweed moments.

Examples:

Toilet Humour Frape

 

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Tell me, does this face look amused?

 
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Sex Related Frape

 
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Does she look like she’s ROFL?

 
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 STI Infestation Frape

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Is this old man LOLing?

 
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 Stolen Identity Frape

 

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 Do you see him laughing?

 
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  The ‘I have no shame’ Frape 

 
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 Does he look entertained?

 
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 The ‘Plain stupid’ frape

 

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She’s not impressed!

 
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The ‘Kissing Ones Arse’ Frape 

 

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 I rest my case…

 
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The verdict: Fraping is NOT funny. Keep the pubic lice jokes to yourself, and stop invading our screens with childish anecdotes!
 

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 9: THE MIGHTY FRIENDSHIP CULL BOOK

 

10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT FACEBOOK

 

It feels good to have a good old spring clean from time to time. Decluttering the clutter and dusting away those pesky cobwebs! The same applies to Facebook. As we scroll through our list of friends, we find half of these people, we haven’t contacted since joining Facebook. Sometimes we can get a little ‘delete happy’ and before we know it, we only have 10 friends left. But do we need to broadcast these friendship culls to the world? Can’t we just let them slip away unnoticed? I’m sure Dennis the dentist won’t be crying into his cornflakes when he learns he was one of the many who ‘didn’t make the cut’.

 

facebook82Or maybe I’m wrong…

 

10: PESKY GAME REQUEST BOOK 

 

10 things I hate about facebook
 

 No, I don’t want to feed the pigs today!

No, I don’t want to crush any candy!

No, I don’t want to rescue any puppies!

And I absolutely DO NOT want to receive YET ANOTHER pesky game request!

In fact, if I get another FarmVille, Candycrush or any other time-wasting requests for that matter, I’m going to take those precious candies and shove them up your….

 

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*coughs*

 

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Pet rescue saga, Candy crush, Clash of the clans, It’s not just the younger generation getting hooked, it’s the pensioners too. I walked past a group of 80-year-old + women the other day, discussing their addition to Candy crush and FarmVille.
 

Maurine: Oh, you’ll never guess what ladies, I’ve reached level 150 on candy crush.

Pauline: Well I never! Did you hear about Eiffel? She reached level 200 and then her phone packed up. Terrible it was!

Maurine: Poor old dear, how is she holding up?

Pauline: Not too bad, my love. She’s a pro on crazy grandpa with a chainsaw  now!

Maurine: Oh, I haven’t heard of that one…is it new?

 

And so the conversation flowed on….

 

It beats talking hip replacements and catheters, I guess!

 

So there we have it! Ten things I hate about Facebook. There are at least 10 more, but sadly, I have already written a dissertation of an article.

 

As my finger hovers over the DEACTIVATE button, I say one last goodbye to my favourite social networking site….

 

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Waaaaaaaaaaaaait! I can’t do it. I just can’t do it! Facebook, you are too entertaining. My life wouldn’t be the same without you and your continuous string of annoying statuses, selfies and time-wasting scrolling!

And so I step away from the ‘deactivation’ button one more time, and say “One day, I’ll be rid of you, one day!”.

 

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 But for now, I’m going to grab my popcorn and tune into some more facebook fun!

 

*feel free to add any other Facebook pet peeves or just have a good old moan about the ones on my list!

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