Ideas of the perfect wife surround us on a day-to-day basis. Domesticated goddesses dominate our screens, as do steamy love scenes filled with passion and spontaneity. The media’s idea of the modern day wife is, of course, fabricated and is, therefore, an inaccurate representation of what actually happens behind marital doors. Sure enough, there are some SUPER-WIVES out there, putting the rest of us ‘good enough’ wives to shame. Consequently, this makes us question and even doubt ourselves. But what exactly is a SUPER wife? Is this just a mythical notion, or do such beings exist?
Good Morning, Good Morning!
Expectation: The perfect wife will wake up in the morning with a face as perfect as the night before. Flawless skin and not a hair out of place, her husband will wake up and want to ravish her the very moment he lays eyes on her. And so a steamy morning love scene unfolds.
Reality: The ‘good enough’ wife will roll out of bed in her fluffy pyjamas with hair like a bush baby and a small string of saliva rolling down her chin. As her husband wakes up, he takes one look at her resembling nothing less than a pink yeti and rolls back over. And so the ‘old man’ snoring unfolds.
If you’ve been blessed with flawless skin then my eyes are officially GREEN with envy. The majority of us ladies don’t look so picturesque in the morning. In the beginning of our whirlwind romances, we find ourselves pushing the boat out a little more. Purchasing sexy lingerie on a weekly basis and experimenting in the bedroom department. A few years into the relationship and oh how the tables have turned. The erotic attire is collecting dust in the attic and has been replaced by a more comfortable sleeping garment, generally in the form of granny pants or unflattering pyjamas. When the lights go off and the socks remain on, it’s time to say “Yeah, things have gone a little downhill”.
How do you like your eggs with your bacon?
Expectation: The perfect wife will be up at the crack of dawn making a full English breakfast in her sexy lingerie, complimented by an apron and some killer heels! The breakfast will then be carried up to her darling husband on a tray, complete with fresh flowers and orange juice. “Just in case you need anything, my dear!” she smiles, as she positions a bell upon the bedside table.
Reality: After 14 failed attempts of waking her husband, the ‘good enough’ wife throws a glass of cold water over his face and says “Get up!” in an abrupt tone. Startled, the husband jumps out of bed and asks “Where’s my breakfast?” The wife looks at him pitifully and snaps “You know where the toaster is, you lazy bastard!”
Come on, who has time to create a breakfast masterpiece on a busy morning? Most of us have children to get ready or have overslept the alarm once again. By the time we get dressed, it’s time to grab a slice of toast for the road and head off. A large breakfast from the comfort of the bed should be left for special occasions, like birthdays or father’s day. This way the husband will really appreciate it, and won’t be inclined to take advantage. Calling all SUPER wives, put the frying pan down and let that bell ring!
Working 9 to 5 …what a way to make a living!
Expectation: As her husband picks up his briefcase and heads over to the door, the children all swarm around his feet, crying “We will miss you, daddy!”. The perfect wife stands in the background wiping away a tear. And so the violins begin to play their sorrowful song, as the father walks off into the distance (well, to his car!).
“Wait…wait!” the perfect wife calls.
The engine stops and, for a moment, the husband climbs out.
“You forgot your lunchbox!” she cries, tossing over his pre-packed lunch.
“Hmm… ham and pickle, my favourite!”. He smiles like a Cheshire cat and, with that, he drives off into the distance.
The wife chases him down the road, arms swaying in the air, shouting “I miss you, I miss you!”.
Reality: After the children have finished putting Play-doh in daddy’s new shoes. The ‘good enough’ wife kindly opens the door, throws the briefcase upon the lawn and says “Go on, get outta here!” She ushers him out the door with a slipper in her hand. With his tail between his legs, he sadly walks out of the door, too afraid to ask where his sandwiches are. The door is slammed closed and the children make rude faces through the window as his breakfast-less belly rumbles. His sighs are soon replaced by a smile, as he says to himself “Oh heck, I better grab myself a Macdonald’s Egg Mcmuffin”. Every cloud has a silver lining.
Every husband likes the thought of being missed while he is working away. However, the love scenes of running wives chasing longingly after their husbands should be left for the TV screen only. Although we love our husbands dearly, 80 % of the time we can’t wait to see the back of them. Okay, so I don’t really beat my husband out the door with my slipper, but in all of life’s hustle and bustle, it’s easy to be left without as much as a kiss or goodbye. *sad face*. Do I make him sandwiches? Heck no, he would loathe it if I were to make him sandwiches. He’d much prefer the Egg McMuffin!
I don’t want no scrubs…!
Expectation: As soon as her husband has left the room, the ‘Perfect wife’ transforms into the ‘Domestic goddess’. She puts on her “A clean environment is a happy environment badge!” and gets down to some dirty work… (No, not that sort of dirty work!). She spends most of the morning spritzing the house from top to bottom. As she scrubs the floors on her hands and knees, they are so dazzlingly clean she can see her joyful reflection. She scoots around blissfully humming to herself, she makes the beds, does the laundry and even irons her husband’s underwear. Once the house is sparkling afresh and those whites are whiter than white, she whacks on her “A happy mum is a happy family!” badge and takes the children on an outdoors adventure.
Reality: As soon as the husband has left the room, the ‘Good enough’ wife will make a half-hearted attempt at cleaning. With a child hanging from her neck, she’ll give vacuuming a good go, and then have a little rest. “This hoovering malaraky is thirsty work!” she sighs, plonking herself in front of some daytime TV with a cup of tea. It isn’t long before the children have destroyed the house once again and the place begins to resemble none other than a bomb sight. Disheartened, the ‘Good enough’ wife, re-vacuums the floors and tries to make the house look presentable before her husband comes home. Before the children drive her to insanity, she takes them for a woodland walk…BAD IDEA, the kids come back and traipse mud all over the cream carpets. While the children run riot, the ‘good enough’ wife finds a cupboard to hide in and starts rocking from side to side. Suddenly, the door is swings open and there her husband stands, a look of concern on his face. “Did you have a good day, Honey?” He asks…Before the ‘good enough’ wife takes a frying pan to his head, she takes a deep breath and replies “It was freaken awesome…Now pass me some alcohol!”.
It’s true, a clean environment equals a healthy mind. Unless you have the privilege of having a cleaner or a live-in nanny, the spotlessly clean homes we see in the media, are not as attainable as one might assume. Cleaning after children, in particular, is a catch 22 situation in itself. As soon as you have finished your first cleaning session of the house, the kids have already destroyed where you have started and the cycle continues. So, Mr Potato head has exploded over the kitchen and the children have used the walls as a colouring pad, it’s only natural to feel a little deflated. Those of you who haven’t resorted to rocking in a locked cupboard or swigging from a whisky bottle, deserve a badge of honour.
I’m cooking up a rainbow today!
Expectation: As the husband puts his feet up in front of the box, the ‘Perfect’ wife will be slaving over a hot stove. The husband has already picked out his meal for tonight – from a menu of twenty different dishes, and of course, all made from scratch. Two hours later, and one very hot and bothered wife brings out a starter, main and pudding. The family gracefully eat their meal, whilst talking about what glorious days they have all had.
Reality: The ‘good enough’ wife brings out a very unspontaneous Shepherd’s pie dish for a third night in a row. The husband sighs in disappointment and ponders whether his stomach can handle yet another Shepherd’s pie. The family begrudgingly tuck into their meals, while the children complain about how awful it tastes. Half of it is disposed under the table with help from the family dog. “What’s for pudding, my love?” the husband asks excitedly. “Oh….I’ll be right back!” the wife replies, as she raids the larder. “Errr, wanna biscuit?” she asks. “Yeah, sure!” the husband replies, digging into a packet of bourbons. It’s hardly a gourmet delight, but it’s better than eating the cremations of a cake she attempted to bake.
It’s the 21st century, not the dark ages. Generally, the modern day couple will take turns in cooking the meals, or if the husband cooks the wife will wash up (and vice-versa!). You give a little, you take a little. If you’re slaving over that hot stove every evening of the week, uttering profanities under your breath, I suggest you take that frying pan to your husband’s head! I’m kidding. Some men are terrible cooks and you, justifiably, wouldn’t want them anywhere near the kitchen! Being the perfect wife doesn’t mean you have to the perfect cook. Shepherd’s pie is completely adequate, and really quite nice when doused in gravy (and any other condiments to take away the taste of it being a Shepherd’s pie!)
Let’s get it on…
Expectations: The children are finally asleep. The lights are dimmed and Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s get it on” fills the air. The ‘perfect’ wife gives her husband a sensual massage. “It’s been a hard day hasn’t it?” she questions. “Oh, yes…a very hard day!” the husband replies. “Then I guess I better give you a treat!”… AND CUT! You know what happens next. The husband gets his special treat and he’s exceptionally happy.
Hot, sweaty and naked, they light up a cigarette and switch on the football.
Reality: The children are finally asleep. The husband smiles that mischievous smile. The wife looks over and says… “Maybe later…maybe later!”. Disappointed, the husband asks “Can I watch the footy then?” The ‘good enough’ wife looks over and says “No can do, Desperate housewives is on in a minute!”…The husbands heart slumps further. He goes into the kitchen and starts to head butt the wall repeatedly, it’s either that or endure a night’s worth of shit TV. The wall option seemed better.
At the end of a busy day, most of us, just want to chill the HECK out. The very last thing we want to do is put on our racy undergarments and play three rounds in the bedroom. But as our darling husbands paw at our bosoms, we don’t want to let them down and we give in to a bit of HOT loving… only, it’s not exactly the thrill seeking HOT adventure the media feeds us. It involves stifling our groans upon a pillow, so we don’t wake up our children and we can escape scrutiny the next morning.
“Who kept knocking on the door last night?”
“Who let a parrot in?”
“Why were you shouting 5 MINUTES, 5 BLOODY MINUTES?”
‘Special’ lovemaking is generally kept to the times we don’t have little prying ears close by.
There were two in the bed and the little one said…
Expectation: The lovers go to bed for round two (or three if you include the morning romp!) steamy love session. They talk for hours upon end and then fall asleep in each other’s arms.
Reality: The husband begs his wife for some attention like a puppy pawing at its mother. After half an hour of wining and mauling, the ‘good enough’ wife gives in and they start to make love. Halfway through the door swings open and a child’s voice says “Dad, Why are you wrestling my mum, and Mum, why are you squawking like a bird?” Horrified, they dive deeper under the covers and say to each other, “tomorrow night, let’s do it tomorrow night!”. As the ‘good enough’ wife talks about her day, the husband begins to snore noisily. The ‘good enough’ wife huffs, rolls over and pushes her husband off the bed…OOPS!
Although spooning looks endearing, in reality, it’s really quite uncomfortable. My husband and I spoon for all of TWO minutes and then roll unromantically onto our own side of the bed. Our bedtime talk generally consists of disagreements, and the snoring I have to endure throughout the night is anything but the romantic scene which plays inside my head.
I’m not your SUPERWOMAN!
It looks like the romantic scenes we play inside our dreamy brains aren’t so realistic after all. It’s time to hang up those SUPER-wife capes. It’s time to take off our sexy Wonder woman attire. It’s time to accept the expectations of the perfect wife are not so realistic after all. Being a good wife is not as easy as the media portrays. To be a good wife, you need to be able to communicate effectively, keep your romance alive, and be your husband’s best friend as well as maintaining your own identity. Don’t get so caught up in being what is believed to be idealistic to the point you are no longer the person your husband married. Be yourself. Being a good wife isn’t about being perfect. Perfection is nothing but a myth and SUPER woman does NOT exist. (Sorry to disappoint you guys!).
…or does she?