Dear mum,

 

The truth is, I’m not sure if you will ever read this. We have always struggled to openly show our emotions, and yet, this has never been an issue. No words need to be said because we know we love each other dearly. Our bond for one another is eternal, and despite the obstacles of the past, our love has always remained untouched.

 

Rollercoaster and kite flying

 

You have always accompanied me on this rollercoaster ride, experiencing my every high and low. You watched me make bad choice upon bad choice, and although you allowed me to learn from my mistakes, you were always there to pick up the pieces. You lost count of the times I had knocked at your door in floods of tears. The same old routine unfold, as you cushioned my tears and we’d talk for hours on end. As much as it broke your heart, you continued to wipe my tears and watch your guidance fall upon deaf ears.

You watched your daughter travel through the most turbulent of relationships. Battered, bruised and broken, you wanted to unbuckle me from this tiresome track I had chosen for myself. It took years of pain and misery, to finally see the light and jump off those broken tracks. The day I said goodbye to that part of my life, was the day your burden was lifted and you could sleep once again.

Those sleepless nights, mirror those you experience when I was a baby. The same terror you felt as my screams filled the corridor, you experience as your phone rang in the middle of the night. Decades later, you are still the first person I run to. You are the first person to catch my falling tears.

I can only apologise for those years of suffering I put you through. No one wants to see their child make those mistakes in life. It would break me into a thousand pieces to see my own daughter make the same choices. As my daughter grows, the feeling is ever more clear, how much it would kill me inside to go through what you had to.

When dad died, it was my turn to comfort you. This didn’t come naturally for me. I was completely overwhelmed by your hurt. In fact, it was one of the hardest things I had ever experienced. You were always the strong one. To watch you fall apart before my eyes, broke my heart. The truth is, I wanted to make things better, but I couldn’t. Overwhelmed by helplessness, I decided I better climb on that roller-coaster and ride these emotions out with you. The funeral, the burial of dads remains to the clearing out his closet. The empty seat where dad always sat longed to be filled, but deep down I knew I couldn’t fill it. I knew nothing could fill the emptiness in your heart.

When dad died, I felt like I needed to take over his role. I needed to step in and protect you. I didn’t think you could go on, but you did. You were fully able to fight on and live a life without him. In time, you were even able to find your smile and enjoy life once again.

You are the strongest person I know. You are truly inspirational and I admire your fighting spirit. I know the past 4 years haven’t been easy for you and your yearning for my father is as strong as the day we lost him. However, I am sure he would be ever so proud to see how far you have come.

From fixing the car to putting up shelves, you have taught me, there is nothing you can’t do!

Throughout your life you worked so hard, in jobs you didn’t particularly enjoy, so you could give me everything I could ever need. And so you continued to give me everything I need, and I’m not talking material possessions. I’m talking about the massive amount of support you have sprinkled me with, every step of the way.

As time goes by, I look at you and realise you aren’t getting any younger. I try to pretend it isn’t happening because quite frankly I’m terrified of losing you. In fact, I don’t know what I’d do without you. Inevitably, life only goes onwards and so do our years. It fills me with sadness to think you won’t always be a part of my life.

And so I realise, at 27 years of age, It’s time for me to ride this roller-coaster solo. I may even throw my arms up and embrace the ride. Or perhaps I will step off and take a stroll along the beach.

These days I prefer to fly my kite. Sometimes the wind comes along and pulls me into the unknown, but I know you’re only 3 steps behind me, to help me reign it back in again. You see, as much as I still need you, it’s time to take control of my own life, during the highs and the lows.

Rollercoasters and kite-flying aside, I quite simply want to thank you for being you.

 

Lots of Love

 

Your daughter xxx

 

NOTE: I built up some courage and sent this to my mum via email. She is yet to respond (she’s probably out painting the shed or something!) I hope she doesn’t disown me with my overwhelming gooeyness!

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