Dear Mr Landlord,
What is this place I stand in? It’s minus 10 degrees. My hands have turned a brighter shade of blue and there’s an icicle dangling off the end of my nose! Am I in the Antarctic? Am I trapped inside a freezer? No, I am actually in my house, only this house DOESN’T have heating! Come to think of it, it doesn’t have hot water either! Nor does it have a working cooker? You call this a house? How do you justify charging us almost a grand per month to live in these Arctic conditions? Three weeks you have left us without the basics! Three painstaking weeks! And still, we wait shivering, wearing 10 different jumpers and huddling for warmth. Do we look like penguins? Do we have flippers for feet and thermal fur coats? If we had flippers for feet, surely we wouldn’t be walking around with blocks of ice attached them? If we had coats of fur, we wouldn’t be burning the contents of our house to create heat!
Let me just explain something to you, Mr Landlord, because you don’t seem to be taking us seriously. The gas had been disconnected because of your own negligence. No, instead of paying ‘out of your pocket’ for a registered gas certificate check, you got one of your cowboy builders to whack a stamp of approval on it. Despite it leaking potentially poisonous gas. You see, when you fail to do things authentically, peoples lives are put at risk. And so we lived in this house for 7 months, unaware we had leaking gas dripping from our boiler. Three weeks later you are still waiting on this ‘part’ to fix it. Let’s face it, this ‘part’ isn’t going to come and we will continue to live in these poor conditions. Still don’t care? Let me ask you if your children had to live in such conditions, would you just accept this? I didn’t think so!
You know the boiler needs to be replaced, this can be easily achieved in a matter of hours! However, to save yourself money, there is just no way you will replace the old boiler with a new one and instead you’re going to attempt to fix something that isn’t fixable! Are you completely stupid?! The more time we spend without these basics, the less rent we will pay you…in fact, we won’t be paying you rent until we have our gas switched back on! They say ducks arses are pretty tight, but I have never known someone so frugal with their pennies, to the point their tenants are left suffering!
You see, if there is no hot water, how can I bath my children? “Why don’t you boil a kettle”… Do you know how long it takes to fill a large bath with hot water? By the time it’s 2 inches high, it’s cold again! Do you think I enjoy bathing in 2 inches of lukewarm water? It’s joyous I can tell you! So a few nights of wasting electricity boiling a kettle thirty times over wasn’t really working out for us! So where did that leave us? COLD SHOWERS, that’s where! Have you ever had a shower so cold you walk out of it a YETI?! I thought not. Needless to say, one cold shower was a shower too much!
By this point, my hair was more greasy than a McDonald’s hash brown! “Why don’t you wear a hat?” Mr Landlord, I know Coventry folk like to wear hats, but I am not a Coventry folk! You can shove that hat where the sun doesn’t shine! Furthermore, my skin was resembling none other than a domino’s pizza! This fast food head of mine wanted to crawl off my shivering body and grab itself a hot shower.
So it was getting to the point where the mothers at school were looking at me like “What the heck happened to her”? And generally questioning my sanity. I could empathize, I very much looked like I had inserted my fingers into a plug socket. One kind, sweet, lovely, beautiful beauty of a school mother, invited us over for ‘charity showers’. That’s right, I said ‘charity showers’. It’s like she had just told me I had won the lotto millions, as I literally took her down with a hug. “Okay, get off of me now, you stink!”. She thought, wondering “what am I letting myself in for?”. After the initial excitement, I began to feel a bit ashamed. I mean…charity showers?! Come on!
So there we were; a family of peasants, knocking at this poor lady’s door. I must say, that shower was like sex! Feeling the hot water pour over my body and through my hair was like a dream come true! Are we going back for charity showers? Heck yes! Tomorrow in fact.
Mr Landlord, do you think we enjoy charity showers? Of course not! But what else can we do? Drive 3 hours to my hometown to bath my children, and drive 3 hours back!? You think I am joking, but between ‘charity showers’ we have made several journeys back to my mother’s house in Somerset! That’s a lot of petrol you are going to owe us – you should probably be thinking about this, as you hold out on purchasing us a new boiler!
Now, a few days ago you came armed with a Secondhand, faulty cooker. This faulty cooker was a replacement for, that’s right, the other faulty cooker, which had been leaking gas! Brilliant, just brilliant. To save yourself thirty FREAKEN pounds you buy a second-hand cooker, which has obviously been taken back for a reason! I despair of you! It’s like giving candy to a baby and then taking it back again. After experiencing 3 weeks of eating tasteless microwave meals and takeaways, oh and not forgetting SAUSAGE FREAKEN ROLLS, we were pretty eager to make a homemade meal. Oh, how you let us down…AGAIN!
Oh, how you ALWAYS let us down!
You see, this isn’t the first time you have left us without the fundamentals. When we moved into our new home you firstly; hadn’t cleaned the place. Therefore, we had no other option than to spend £700 employing cleaners to clean the disgusting mess you left us in. Not only was there a sweet stench of cigarettes, but the place was inhabitable and not safe for our children to be in. Secondly, we were left without gas and ELECTRICITY…for 4 days! Okay, 4 days might not sound like a long time to you, but what is one to do without heat and electricity? Sit around a campfire singing “Kum Ba FREAKEN Ya”? Quite frankly, those 4 days were the longest of my life. However, we choose to forgive you and put it all behind us.
2 months later, we experienced a leak under the sink. When I say leak it was more like a fountain squirting all over our kitchen. Three days it took you to send yet another one of your cowboy builders out to, that’s right, botch the job! Three days we spend in rubber dinghy’s trying to go about our everyday business! Let me tell you, making breakfast in a rubber dinghy is not an easy task, but better than walking around in waist high water!
And so this brings us to today, still no hot water, no cooking facilities or heating. We are still waiting for a sincere apology, but sadly it looks like we aren’t going to receive this from you, and therefore, we will just expect the following compensation;
And so the ‘conveyor belt of prizes’ begins….
*Three weeks in a luxury hotel
*1 week stay at a spa (facials included)
*An Al La Carte meal for all the family
*£1000 rebate of rent
*£750 worth of petrol
*£700 cleaning bill
and a …..
*Years supply of whoolly jumpers
Geez, isn’t this kind of you!
And for being such a great landlord, I have a present for you….
Oh, and I almost forgot, we will see you in court!
Your cold and extremely pissed off tenants!