I want to break free


I am so happy to see the for sale sign pitched up on our front lawn. As Freddie Mercury once sang “I want to break freeeee!”  I will be so glad to be FREE of this neighbourhood. You see, it might seem like it’s an idyllic place to live. Freshly mowed lawns, whistling postmen and sparkling clean cars on drives…But underneath this Wisteria Lane Façade lies the ugly truth. When we first moved to the area, our neighbour cracked out his gardening trowel at the crack of a whip and got to work on our front garden (the last tenants had left it to grow wild!).

However, as soon as we let the grass grow 2cm’s over the average grass length in the close…we were shunned and outcasted. Suddenly our bins started to go AWOL, our phone lines were cut and not so much as a wave or a good morning from our fellow neighbours. I was half expecting a poo parcel with my name on it, but I guess I have that to look forward to…





So, I have been busy scrubbing the house clean (to appeal to the buyers!) which is hard when you live with 4 of the messiest people around. Yesterday, I tackled my 9-year-old daughter’s room. 4 hours it took me! I can’t say it was a pleasant experience. You see this picture to the right. No, it’s not a turd nor is it cat vomit…its 3 squidgy aliens covered in fluff and hair.





I put this monstrosity on the side, whilst I got to work on my daughters room…only to find my son, Maxi, had got hold of them and thrown them at the wall….repeatedly!!! Now my walls look like a wildebeest has sneezed over them. *shakes head in despair*. Alongside the decrepit aliens, I had the pleasure of finding, not one mouldy flask, but 12 varieties of festering cups/bottles/flasks, too many chocolate wrappers to count and a small box with a dead fly in it. Not forgetting a handful of tampons (oh dear god!), half my makeup collection and a teabag with a drawn-on face.





My daughter has a habit of making things her ‘pet’ This could be anything from a tea bag, a stuffed sock or a snail she has smuggled in from the garden. Once I found a rotting egg in her room, complete with drawn-on eyes and mouth. I had wondered why her room smelt like a lingering fart. God only knows how long she had kept it there. So now I have a clean (ish) house, minus the snot marks on the wall…I am keeping my fingers, toes and anything else I can physical cross, crossed. I am no celebrity, but GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!




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